Dreams do not vanish, so long as people do not abandon them.

How do you tell a horse thats devoted herself to you 100%, that she will never run again, when running was what she lived and breathed for?
How do you ask those sensitive ears if she understands?
How do you say you're sorry, that you failed, that they will never again see the same green pastures or blue skies, when sorry is a word so easily said.

But holding her head her in my arms, holding her head next to mine, trying to hold onto that moment for as long as time would allow, i knew it was all i could do. I whispered soft words of love, looked deeply into her trusting eyes and saw right into her soul, i said goodbye but something told me that it would not be forever. The vet inserted the needle. Minutes later, she was gone. My guardian angel had at last been given her wings and she was able to fly to heavens herd.

My walk out onto the hills the next morning wasn't for me, it was for her. I smelled the richness of the earth, felt the breeze that carried her spirit and dreams on wings. I walked the paths that she had known and loved so much and felt the warmth of the sun. She was within me. Her hoofbeats followed my every step. Her heartbeat alongside mine in my chest was so strong, so proud, so full of life.

As i began to walk away from her final resting place i knew that there will always be a part of her that will live forever in my heart. But there is also a part of her that i must leave behind until my time comes.

She belongs out there, a place where pain and fear can never go - being free, running, racing the wind - in a world where the dreams of horses come true...
--x--for the mare who always understood--xx--
I know i have to let her go so she can be free but i need someone by my side. If i let her go then i'm alone.
But i can no longer be selfish for she gave so much to me. When i've finished writing this i'm going to go to her and allow her to be free. I'm going to stand by her grave and let her go. For she is always out there in the wind, she is always running with the herd, she is everywhere including my heart. I'll never forget her but i have to release her - for me and for her. We both live for freedom and so she now has hers.


THE ONE I LOVE
Gonna close my eyes
Girl and watch you go
Running through this life darling
Like a field of snow
As the tracer glides
In its graceful arc
Send a little prayer out to ya ‘cross the falling dark

Tell the repo man
And the stars above
You’re the one I love
Perfect summers night
Not a wind that breathes
Just the bullets whispering gentle ‘mongst the new green leaves

There’s things I might have said
Only wish I could
Now I'm leaking life faster
Then I'm leaking blood

Tell the repo man
And the stars above
You’re the one I love
You’re the one I love
The one I love


Sometimes dreams alter the course of an entire life.
A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.Cats have never forgotten this.
After scolding one's cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."
People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life

Tears are NEVER Enough

Every horse has a story to tell. The lame, the healthy, the sick and the strong all have a long history of their interaction with people. Like little kids, horses come into this world ready to trust us, ready to be the greatest horse in the world. It's the people who change them.
There are so many people who don't understand, those who walk through life never knowing the beauty, the gentleness, the majesty of the horse.
There are those who beat them, who punish them for imagined crimes, who starve them, who kill them, who laugh at their fallen, dying bodies and who dine on their flesh.
They will never know what bonding means, what trust can do, why a whisper is stronger than a whip.
We are the horse lovers. We stand together, healing the wounds, picking up the weak, the old, the damaged, the unwanted. We bring them into our barns, feed them, love them and hope that someday they might forgive the humans for what they have done.
The following stories on my blogger are heart wrenching. As i read them i cried but my tears are not enough. I said a prayer for each of them. I prayed that they would no longer be in pain, that they would no longer suffer by the hands of humans.
These horse and ponies were all real and have their own desperate story to tell. But thanks to Habitat for Horses they were shown kindness and love when it seemed so distant and far away.
This is what the lady who runs it has to say:
"
There are times when I have to restrain myself, when it takes everything I have to stay within the limits of the law.
Pulling up to a pasture this morning, we saw four horribly skinny horses. A walk through the mud led us to a three year-old in the final stages of starvation, unable to lift his head. A few hours later the warrant was signed, the seizure completed and
our part was finished. I shook hands with the officers, our friends at the SPCA, and drove off through the fog and drizzle.
It was those few hours between the first walk and the loading of the horses that got to me. Kneeling in the rain, trying to wash thick mud off the face of a dying horse, praying for his life, I tried to ignore the owners. Listening to them talk about how much they care for the horses was upsetting enough. Seeing the results of their lies, which they refused to see, is what angers me.
These horses had no grass in the pasture. None. There was a round bale of moldy cow hay, not a bit of feed anywhere. When I asked them about feeding, he said he was scared to feed them because, "They always run toward me so fast."
He had put a dog collar on the horse that was down, tied a rope to it, tied the other end to his new pickup and pulled the horse a good 10 yards, "To see if I could get him up."
The horse was packed in mud. Unlike them, who slept in a warm bed and had a good breakfast, they left the horse out there for days.
The excuses went on and on. I looked at their new pickup, their cell phone, their nice clothes and looked back at the dying horse that weighed half of what it should. Two bags of feed a week and a round bale of hay would have kept this horse alive and the other four halfway healthy. Less than $80 a month. His truck payments must have been five times that.
"How can people do that?" is a question I am often asked. "Why do they even bother to get a horse if they don't care?" The questions are rhetorical, of course. There are a million answers but there are no real answers, none that would ever make sense to those of us who love these horses.
The man who taught me about the legal aspects of seizures once told me, "Don't ever show emotion on the scene. You have a job to do, just get in there and do it. If you need to bang on the dashboard when you drive off, fine, but the crime scene is not the place to explode."
This evening, as I'm writing this, I can't remember what the faces of the owners looked like but I'll never forget the face of that horse, the mud packed eyes, the skin stretched tight over the bones. That's what nightmares are made of.
I see people at the vet's office with their sick horse, willing to spend thousands and to do whatever it takes to bring their loved one back to health. I've seen a tough old cowboy break down in tears when his horse hurt her leg. We have volunteers who think nothing of walking a horse with colic at three AM, in the cold and rain, sloshing through mud. They all treat a horse like they would their own child.
Then there are the others.
A wise man once said that you have to know your enemy before you can change him. Tomorrow I might feel differently, but tonight I have no desire to know the enemy. I could not fathom that type of mind, nor do I even want to try. And I'm not going to bang on the dashboard.
Instead I'm going to go out to the barn, find the closest horse and give him a hug. I won't tell him anything about seeing one of his kind die today or anything about one of my kind causing the death. Such things happen many times over in our world. The horse doesn't understand why, and I certainly don't. I will tell him that I love him, and then I'll look into his eyes.
In that moment there is no anger. There is only deep, forgiving love. It's there for anyone, for each of us, at any time. It comes not only from horses, but from dogs, cats, little children, big adults, all sorts of living things. But you have to care to feel it.
You have to care enough not to starve your horse to death. "
The horses stories who you are about to read broke my heart. But please read them so they are remembered and their death was not the end. For if you care enough to read them you have shown that you care and offer love, they will be forever grateful...

The story of Rooster...

Some horses are people horses. They never do well in herds, don't have any desire to stand side by side with another horse and had just as soon not share a bale of hay. They want their own space, they love people, love the attention and the snacks that only people can give. So it was with Rooster, a saddlebred dark chestnut.
Rooster came to Habitat for Horses in March of 2000, donated by an owner who had been transferred to another state. Rooster
had Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD), commonly called "heaves", which made breathing very difficult. During the extremely hot summer of 2000, we almost lost him several times. He required constant attention and medication, which we were more than willing to give.
In return, Rooster gave of himself. He was one of the most physically beautiful horses we've ever seen, with a personality to match. More than anything, Rooster loved people. He would not just stand still to be groomed. Like a little puppy he wanted to touch, to lick, to smell everyone that came into the barn. Snacks were a bonus. His thrill came from his contact with humans.
Yesterday, June 21st, we let Rooster out for a few hours. He swam in the pond, rolled in the sand, kicked up his heels a little, and passed away.
"Quality of Life" has always been a big issue here at Habitat for Horses. Rooster was an example used by many people who believe in the theory that euthanasia is necessary for any horse that can no longer be productive, meaning used by people. In return, I used Rooster as an example of a horse that enjoyed being alive. He didn't need people on his back, he didn't need to be haltered and saddled to make his life worth our effort. His life was important to us for a far different reason.
We don't take horses in because we can use them. We take horses in because they need a home, because they are God's children, just as we are, and because we have a deep respect for the one single gift we all share – life.
We were able to give Rooster another year of life. It wasn't always pleasant. Hot summer days and cold winter nights, massive amounts of rain that made being in the pasture an ordeal, those are things we all suffered through. But we shared a lot of wonderful days, too – perfect mornings, loving people, beautiful sunsets – days when life seemed glorious and never-ending.
Rooster in gone from our pasture and our stall. Somewhere in heaven he's being held, being groomed, being loved like he never was before. He's being offered an apple, his favorite snack, only this time the apple is being offered by the hand of God.
Rooster 1980-2001

The story of Amigo...

Amigo must have been an incredible horse. A dun with a long, black mane and tail, black feet and the dark line down his back. He stood tall and proud as the stable hand loaded him in the trailer. He only had one fault, he was walking on the cannon bone of his right foot.
"He went lame a couple of weeks ago," the stable
manager said. "Some kids tried to ride him but his hoof curled up like that. He ain't no good to anyone no more."
Amigo's hoof had at least six month's worth of growth on it, telling me that he had been this way for a long time, kept in a stall, hidden away. His filthy coat, his matted hair - no one had cared until a visitor to the stables called us and arranged for the owner to donate him to Habitat for Horses.
We spent two weeks building him up before the operation. Our vet clipped the tendons, fitted a brace and told us, quite frankly, that there was only a small chance that he would make it. We tried because Amigo tried.
To see the fire in his eyes was to understand his desire to live. Even crippled, he belonged in a world of running, belonged out in the pasture with the other horses, racing and bucking. Amigo was full of life, not willing to lay down, not wanting to give into a hoof that didn't support his dreams.
The days that followed showed us how dreams can turn to dust. The twice a day dressing changes, the constant shots, the gentle hands of the vet did nothing for the healing. It kept getting worse, the skin started sloughing off, then the hoof wall separated and we knew it was over.
Another horse to be beaten by humans. Another life taken, another dream stolen...

The story of Nicole...

Nicole finds love
"There's something about kids and horses," is an often heard statement in the horse world.
Kids and innocence, kids and hope, kids and the belief in magic.... Most of us seem to lose that special thing that kids have when we get older. The realities of the world cloud our childlike vision of life, turning us away from the magical belief in a world made of wonder and mystery.
Nicole is a beautiful little paint miniature mare that had her dreams shattered by some force that left her hip broken in two places. For three months she lay in a dark stall until a phone call brought her to Habitat for Horses. X-rays showed that the break had calcified. Surgery would not heal her, nor could we do much more than heal the open sores and provide the nutrition necessary to bring her severely underweight body back to normal. In both of those we were successful.
We keep her in her own little yard, with a shavings-filled stall and a tree to lay under. From one branch of the tree a hay net twist gently in the breeze, from another drops a plastic apple. The birds are her constant companions and, on occasion, old Harvey, the elderly pony, wanders by and pins his ears back at her. Nicole spends her days and nights in a world filled with fears, afraid of other horses because she can't get away and afraid of people because of the harm they did to her.
So she stands, waiting for the sun to rise, waiting for the next meal, waiting for a passing volunteer to toss her an apple. She won't come close, won't let people touch her, doesn't like people to look at her or to speak to her. Her world is inside a shell that she has built around herself, where she feels safe.
Dozens of volunteers pass by her during the week, on their way to other horses, seeking more responsiveness, more beauty. Perhaps they are inclined to find their own quiet moments with the bigger horses, perhaps they don't want to be face-to-face with the obvious horrors of other people's abuse.
A couple of months ago, one of our new volunteers brought her daughter by, a teenager I'll call Amy. Mom is one of those special people that like to come out and spend quiet time with the horses, grooming them, loving on them. She already knows of the rejuvenating power of horses and she doesn't need to tell me that she's wanting to pass it on to her daughter. Amy is rebelling, typical teenager stuff, not wanting to do what mom does.
Amy didn't come for several weeks, then showed up one afternoon with her friends. I didn't stand around listening to her conversations, but I could tell that her friends weren't attracted to the horses and Amy got a little defensive with them. I didn't see Amy for awhile, mom always came alone. Two weeks ago, Amy showed up again, assigned to "community service" for some infraction at school, and headed for Nicole's paddock with brush in hand.
Knowing Nicole's problems, I went in behind her, showed her how to approach Nicole, showed her the no-no things, talked about brushing gently, talking softly. "Nicole is like a lot of teenagers," I told her, "wanting to be left alone. But being alone isn't very much fun, is it? Perhaps all Nicole needs is to know that there is someone in this world she can trust." And with that I left them alone.
Unknown to a lot of volunteers, I'm never out of sight. I leave them alone, but I'm around somewhere, keeping more of an eye on them than they realize. I watched Amy try her best to calm Nicole down, try to brush her, getting frustrated because Nicole's only desire was to get away.
And that's when the moment of magic happened.
Some adults still have it, a lot of kids have it, most very young kids have it all the time - the ability to connect. Instead of jerking on the halter, instead of raising her voice, instead of walking away, Amy was hugging Nicole, her face buried in Nicole's mane, whispering softly. Nicole's shell came tumbling down, along with Amy's shell. There was no longer a teenager and a rebellious, frightened horse in that paddock, there was two souls, meeting on common ground, reaching out and healing one another.
Nicole was due to be moved to a place near Dallas in a few days. I couldn't do that to Amy, take away someone she felt that close to, nor could I do that to Nicole. The adoption was cancelled. Nicole is Amy's horse for awhile. If Amy leaves, perhaps there will be another. Then another after that.
We can take in old, abuse, sick horses and bring them back to some level of health. We can give them feed and hay, show them love, offer them our hearts. There is no magic in that. The magic happens when the horse decides to give back, when the horse offers its heart to a little girl, a young woman or an old man. We heal them and, if we are very, very lucky, they, in turn, heal us.
Thank you, Nicole, for giving Amy your heart, for seeing that a little girl needs you. There's something about kids and horses. It's called magic. It's called trust.
It's called love.

The story of Hope...

The Story of Hope, April 17, 2001
I've never become hardened to the pain and suffering of horses, but I've become wiser, knowing there is no limit to what people can do to hurt them. We have twelve horses in our intake/ICU facility, twelve examples of the worst type of abuse. I work with them everyday, tending to their physical needs, trying to heal their psychic pains. I don't dwell on what the horse has been through. Part of the healing is showing the horse that it's over, teaching them to let go of the past and offering them hope for the future. If I dwell on the past, I'm
fighting what I'm trying to give.
Conan, the gentle giant Friesian, cowers in the corner of his stall when a human comes into the barn. Nicole, the crippled miniature, runs as fast as she can to get away from the touch of a human hand. Stacy trembles with fear at the sound of a human voice. The stories go on and on, each one speaks of horrid abuse done to a horse who, at one time, was willing to give its life to its owner.
Hope came into our world yesterday. That's the name given to a ten-month old filly, a little baby, by a wonderful young lady named Christa. Christa heard about Hope from a friend, heard of the abuse, called us, bought Hope to remove her from her owner and donated her to Habitat for Horses. She and her Dad hauled Hope several hundred miles, I met them just west of Houston and brought Hope the rest of the way home. It wasn't until I unloaded her from the trailer that I realized how bad things really are.
The vet came out and did a preliminary exam, confirming my fears. Hope's face is deformed, not from a birth defect as I had thought, but from a severe blow just below her eyes that fractured the bone. She has spinal problems, causing nerve damage to her back legs. She's in pain when she moves.
Christa told me the story of Hope's past. She was used for roping practice, probably whipped so she would run. No doubt the falls are what caused her spinal problems. I can only imagine what caused the blow to the head. I can't imagine the pain she suffered after it happened. I don't even want to think about the mental pain she suffered when she realized that people can be so cruel. Ten months old, starved, deformed, treated like a hunk of meat. Thank God she found Christa.
There are those that do bad things, as there are those that do good. As long as the good outnumber the bad, as long as there are people like Christa, we can continue to heal what others try to destroy. Christa named Hope because she gave the little girl just that - hope for a better life. She asked us to see to it, to make sure it happens. That's a heavy responsibility, but it's one I decided to take on a long time ago, way before I started Habitat for Horses. I do it because it has to be done. Not doing it would be like not breathing.
The first step for Hope was today. We looked at the obvious smashed-in face, and then forgot about it. We don't see it anymore. We see a soul that needs comfort, we see a pain that needs healing. It doesn't matter if it's a three-legged miniature horse, a 2,800 pound giant, or a 10 month old baby, we take them and try to heal. We try to undo what others have done. Most of the time it works.
I just finished my nightly rounds, spreading cookies, apples and good-night hugs to all the horses. I spent extra time with Hope, holding her tightly. "With every beat of your heart," I told her, "you're going to get better. You will never again be hit. No one will ever use an angry voice, no one will ever laugh at you, no one will ever hurt you."
That's a hard promise to keep. It means that, if all goes well, twenty years from now Hope will be walking around in the pasture at the Sanctuary, munching grass with her friends. That means that Habitat for Horses will have to be here, protecting her. Hope is our horse. She belongs to me, to Christa, to you, to all of us, to all those that care and love and want to heal. What we have to do, what we must do, is to make sure we will always be here. for her.
It doesn't do any good to look at a horse like Hope and ask questions about how people can be so mean. Some people are; it's just a fact. The hard part is to look at Hope and see what she can be twenty years from now, to get her to start dreaming again, and to make those dreams become a reality. And it isn't just horses, the same is true for little girls that were raped by their father, little boys who were set on fire by their older brother. There are kids that have seen more injustice that anyone can imagine, who are disfigured so horribly that they hide behind bandages. All of them need Sanctuary, all of them need to know that there is one place they can go where they will always be safe.
Condemning the bad people of the world is easy. The hard part is to reach out and help the healing. Can you do it? Will you help us?


Update
Hope held on for as long as she could. Constant seizures continued to sap her strength until, after one 36 hour period of ice-packs and prayers, we came to the realization that we were losing the battle to save her life. With great sadness, we finally released her into God's hands.
"With every beat of your heart...."

The story of Rose...

She came to us the last week in April of 2003 - old, thin, missing one eye, scared - from an owner that could no longer afford her. She only stayed at the ranch a few weeks as we worked on her wounds, fed her, tended to her medical needs and tried to heal her wounded soul.
And in the healing, Jennifer fell in love. She asked for and received permission to move Rose to her home, there to receive more intense care. Separated from the aggression of the herd, Rose blossomed and grew, but never fully recovering her health. Bone chips from her spinal cord continued to cause a weeping wound. Through two operations and many hours of therapy, she stood quietly, trusting in Jennifer to help her heal, believing that what Jennifer was doing was necessary.
But the infection never stopped. On August 8th, more x-rays were taken. In the darkness of the viewing room, we saw that the infection had spread, eating away at the spinal cord, slowly destroying the bones.
Where there’s a horse, there’s hope, but the hope quickly faded away as we listened to the vet explain the x-rays. As painful as is was, we accepted the fact that we had done all we could. The infection won the battle.
The beautiful bud turned into a rose and the rose grew into a perfect flower for all to admire. Through neglect, the rose started to lose her petals, and now the Rose was fading away.
She stood quietly, knowing, understanding, and pressed her head into my arms. The vet inserted the fluids, and Rose slipped away. With one deep sigh, one last breath of precious air, Rose left our world.
Always loving. Always willing.
The Rose

The story of Marco...

He slipped through the cracks. Of all the things that could happen to a perfect horse, at a highly trained, registered Arabian stud, his fate became sealed when the lady bought him in trade for some other horses and took Marco away from his green pastures and his equally beautiful soul mate, a pure white Arabian named Misty. Just a few miles away, the trailer doors opened and he faced his new home, a dirt paddock in the middle of a collection of broken house trailers, used refrigerators, rusted panels and piles of accumulated trash.
If horses could shed tears of sorrow, Marco had every reason to cry in despair. The lady never fed him, never lifted a finger to attend to his needs. He wandered the paddock, searching for a blade of grass, finally eating the bark off a lone, scraggly tree and, when the hunger became more than he could bear, chewing on the wood fence and swallowing the small pieces his loose teeth could tear off.
His worst nightmare came when the lady killed another horse as he watched. A new, pregnant mare had come a few days before. One afternoon the mare had colic, but rather than call a vet the lady decided that she'd deliver the baby by cutting the mare's abdomen open. Of course, the mare and the baby both died in screaming agony. The lady the half buried the mare with her head and feet above the ground and burned the body, leaving the remains for Marco to see as he wandered his paddock searching for food.
Late one afternoon, a schoolgirl caught a glimpse of Marco's thin body while she walked home from school. She called Habitat for Horses and a few days later, we walked onto the property with three different police departments and seized 58 various animals, from horses to llamas, and ordered the lady to court on animal cruelty charges. The court awarded all the animals to us and Lone Star Equine Rescue, who aided us in the seizure.
Marco moved to the ranch and immediately attacked the hay we placed before him. Besides being covered in lice and filled with intestinal worms, his teeth were loose and his hooves were in terrible shape. After two months of rehabilitation, he was gelded. The transformation took place slowly, but week-by-week Marco grew stronger until most of his lost weight returned. During that time, he was visited by a couple that knew him before the lady did her damage, telling us stories about his training and background. Their children stood by the fence and finally, when Marco was strong enough, joined him in the paddock to groom, hug and love him.
When it was time, with Marco healed and strong, they loaded him in their trailer and took him to their home. As soon as he stepped from the trailer, his life once again became complete. Misty, his long ago love, stood at the gate, crying out for him to hurry. Within seconds, the horror of his experience disappeared and he ran to her side. They are together again, forever this time, in a pasture filled with green grass.

My Letter to My Angel

hey girl,
i could really do with having you here once more.
i dream of you in the stillness of the night,
your body is the wind holding me tight,
Calling out softly calling my name,
its your voice i hear, again and again
My heart is full, yet empty too,
because the one thing i want and can't have,
is you...

Inside my sleeve, I pull out my heart,handing it to you, "careful it's fragile,and easily falls apart."Extending your arms, you take the heart inyour tender warm hands.It falls into a million shattered pieces - onthe floor it lands.You begin to bend down to pick it up, sorrow andsadness in your eyes.Apologies are not enough.Looking at you with tears in my eyes,I ask you not to pick up the pieces of a heartthat has fallen apart.I am the one who needs to pick up the pieces ofmy shattered heart - one by one, piece by piece.I need to put it together again, some how. some way.Each piece of my heart has a memory so true.Each piece of my heart has part of you.You are the one who is leaving to start a new lease on life.I'll just be here on my knees picking up the pieces of aheart that feels like it's being pierced with a knife.All my tears won't keep you nearAll my tears won't mend what's not here.Again I look at you with a whisper in my voice,The only way my heart will mend and finally be complete,is if you and I can come together without being discreet.You see, what we have here and today, helps me face theworld, with a love for you that gives a glow -but now, my darling, you made a choice.My heart is on this floor, shattered and broke.With each piece I pick up -I need to learn to let go.
it happened to me girl. ive lost him like i lost you and once again there is no going back. He was so perfect and i thought i'd finally got something stable in my life but it didnt last long. He makes me laugh and we finish off each others sentences. Being in his arms is like burying me head in your mane, i felt safe. But now your both gone and i'm left with nothing.

Jas still hurts me Toy, i wrote this the other day, its how i feel about him:
As we lay there quietI was reminded of all the reasons why I lust youYour smile,and the way it teased at me seductivelyYour laugh,and the way it tempted meYour eyes,and the way they seem to hypnotize me

As we sat there silentI was reminded of all the reasons why I love youYour smile,and the way it brings such life into meYour laugh,and the way it makes everything okayYour eyes,and the way them seems to read my thoughts

As we stand here nowI am reminded of all the reasons why I hate youYour smile,and the way it confuses meYour laugh,and the way it seems to mock meYour eyes,and the way they can look into mine and not feel a thing

why cant i go home toy? please, ive had enough.
Rain always hides these tears in my eyesThunder laughs and my soul diesWill I hear your voiceWill I touch your skinWill the ocean waves let me inThe time is near, the time is nighTo answer the call, to answer the cryMy head still spins, my body achesCold wind stings my eyes, my faceLook around, no one thereWill anybody notice, anyone care . . .Will I hear you laughWill I see you cryWill this world just end and let me die

I am so tired. Everday i get so run down that i just need to sleep forever and ever:
God looked down on your body,So tired from hanging on,From a life that was overwhelming you,And wanted back His girl.So he took away the air you breathe,And gave you what was best,A place to be at peace,A final place to rest.
if only he would. i guess he just keeps missing me...

Why does the thought of deathThe feeling of ending this lifeThe torture, the pain, the hurtThe discomfort I cause,Why does it feel so right?But the thought of the painThe mechanics, the methodThe hows and wherefores..Why is that so beyond me,my abilities, My confidence?I know I would be better deadAll I care for is othersAll I do is hurt othersAll I want to do is leave othersTo their lives away from meIs my inability from caring?Knowing the final act of hurtThe final ability to screw othersTo give those who truly careA pain even I haven't done before?But they would recoverAnd they could see it was doneMaybe not consciously, but trulyFor the best for themAnd therefore the best for me.Is it fear that stops me?The inability to take the painI couldn't inflict on myselfThe yellow man I am,The quitter, never finishing the JobSo I carry on to conceal the feelingsTrying to do all I can for allAnd still I hurt and give painCause confusion wherever I goThat is why I pray to die.

All i want is to go home.
Every night in my dreams i can see you, hear you - even touch you. But then every morning i make the fatal mistake of waking up and i'm back in a world of tears, anger and pain. I pray every night to go home to you, I pray that i won't wake up the next day, i go to sleep hoping my prayers will be answered, but everyday i wake.
I always swore that nothing would ever break my spirit and i'd always stay a fighter and stay strong, like the wild mustang - the symbol of my dreams. But just like me, everyday they have their spirits broken, the fight in them beaten out of them, the strong fire in their eyes burnt out, but more importantly to them, and to me, they have their freedom stolen from them. They now have nothing but to become an empty shell, a walking body without a spirit, driven by a mind that now knows only of rear and of what was, kept going by a heart that used to be the centre of their energy and spirit and that knew nothing of pain, fear, sadness, betrayl or resentment but now so full of it, it flows through every vein and artery in their abused bodies. I know this, because i am like them.
I understand the fear and the fury in a trapped Mustang, for man himself put it there, and put it in mine.
No horse should ever be broken and certainly never should the Mustang. Born with that freedom, the Mustang has the right to live with that freedom and die knowing nothing of its freedom.
If only a few of us can take the time to whisper strength and courage into those sensitive ears and gently soothe troubled souls we can show them that someone does care, someone knows of the fear, someone knows also of the pain. Then even if it is for the last few minutes of their lives, they go with the knowledge that they are not alone.
A proud, strong stallion, should never be defeated. A loving mare should never be shown hatred. A young foal should only do what it was born to do - run wild and run free. A young girl should never have her dreams stolen from her by those who do nothing but take.
But time comes and time goes, nothing left but memories. Memories bring us to the past, dreams bring us to the future, Nothing will bring us eternity.

So please can i go home? I've tried over the last few weeks i really have but i have no mental or physical strength left to go on. So maybe next time He is looking for a tired soul to bring back home, maybe you could just point me out to Him and make sure He doesn't miss me this time round?...

How do you perpare a heart to be broken,Or a dream to fall through?How do you let go of a miracle,That means so much to you?How do you walk away,With tears in your eyes?Letting go isn't easy.Just pray you'll survive.

Everytime I see you,I feel an ache in my heart Although you may not feel it too,There's something that drives us apart.I see you looking at me,Yet I'm afraid to meet your eyesThe pain I hide you might seeAnd you might feel my sighs.Sometimes I want to forget you,I want to let you go.I don't know what to do,Since I still love you so!

The wild Mustang - symbols of hope and freedom

Horses ~ Wild and Free
Giving our Hearts ~ Wings
Our Spirits ~ Hope
and Our Dreams ~ Inspiration

Mythical, magical horses, Domestic horses and Mustangs, the wild ones.
They capture our Hearts. They capture our...Souls
They give what no other creature, living or myth, can give.
They give us Hope, Love, Strength, Courage, Dreams, Inspirations, and they give our Hearts Wings

...I could smell the sweat as it ran off their bodies,
sun glistening on muscle as they ran towards the sun;
Knew without words their message and meaning,
They were Freedom, Love and Truth on the run...

To be able to see these magnificent animals in the wild is truly a grand site, as they run across the plains, wild and free.

Born free,
as free as the wind blows,
as free as the grass grows.
Born free to follow your heart.
Live free and beauty surrounds you.
Born free,
and life is worth living.
But only worth living
because you were born free...

The emotions evoked by the "wild" mustangs cannot be compared to those we feel for even our most beloved cat or dog. Their size, power and graceful movements uniquely represent the magnitude of their beauty. They demand environmental health on a large scale yet they are capable of surviving even under the most difficult circumstances. If we look, we find that they provide a reflection of our own most basic life struggles: the need to feel safe and secure, to be in control and to exist harmoniously within a social structure. Their loss would be our tragedy; they cannot be replaced by other species. Diversity of species and overall herd health will be required for long-term survival. We should not view their existence as a burden to us. Rather, it is not only because of their historical contribution but the ways in which they continue to contribute to us today that we cannot afford to allow their numbers to dwindle.

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT BUT I SHOULD GIVE A FUCK

to be honest it hasn't sunk in.
after all i said and thought it didn't mean a thing, again.
i really, really thought he was someone special. But to finish it with me and not say anything? I had to find out from other people. Come on, how does someone you love do that? Thing is he really doesn't seem to care, not one bit.
so...
I DONT GIVE A SHIT BUT I SHOULD GIVE A FUCK
Thing is tomorrow i know i will give a fuck.

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything felt so right
Unbreakable like nothing could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am
Once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it
Can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these blue green eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together but so broken up inside
Cause I can't breathe
No I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Swollow me then spit me out
For hating you I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No I don't cry on the outside
ANYMORE!


What was really nice was that henry and tim rang me and cheered me up heaps, in fact if it wasn't for them i'd be crying my eyes out still right now. Poor Henry, he thinks it was all his fault and it took me ages to get in his head that it wasn't, so he's still coming down on the 23rd. Then dear old Moley rang me. Bless him, he's so sweet! He was really worried about me and he said that he's really worried that i'm going to do something stupid (he said that as i was eyeing up my migraine tablets so maybe it was good that he rang). Its really strange though how right now i'm feeling nothing. I thought i'd be hanging from a tree right now but i'm here, i mean this is me and i'm still here. I don't want to wake up tomorrow though. It wasn't the fact that we broke up, what hurt me so much was that he didn't have the guts to tell me and everyone else knew way before me but "i'll get my revenge in this life or the next" and that goes to Mel Julian and Jasmine Pierce too. Cos i have nothing to loose anymore. I think thats why i don't give a shit at school anymore. I don't care what happens to me. From now on i'm no longer gonna play life safe i'm gonna live as dangerously as i can. Coz as my fav rally driver said "if you have nothing to loose and your not scared of death then you can conquer all your dreams and goals".

So you swallow your pride
Put your heel on the gas
And you're laughing inside about kicking your ass
And you gotta stand up,If you don't then you're just falling down

Why don't you
Turn your car around
Forget your way back home
Cos it's not me there anymore
Turn your car around
You're better off alone
I'll pick myself up off the floor

So I tell you it's black,but you know that's white
See everything's cool
When you don't have to fight
There's nothing outside
In the darkness waiting for you
And I wish it was true...

So i've got everything to play for and nothing to loose...
I've got my Dr's tomorrow as well so i won't be in until third lesson or lunchtime, depending if we make a slight detour and see what the hounds are doing!!
I'm really not looking forward to it. The doctor said i could have one of two symptons 1. im aneamic or 2. im diabetic. Great eh? I know it's really bad to think this but i may be lucky and have something worse.

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I'd pray
I could break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky.
Make a wish, take a chance,Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget all the ones that I love.
I'll take a risk, take a chance,Make a change, and break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
Though its not easy to tell you goodbye
Take a risk, take a chance,Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance,Make a change, and break away
Breakaway
Break away


But before i do breakaway theres things i gotta do, things ive gotta say. And im gonna say em loud and clear. Today i got told i had changed alot over the last year. It worried me a bit what if Toy doesn't like or recognise the 'new' me. I don't think i've changed much though...
What i dont understand is if i loved Chris more than Jas why is loosing Chris so painless at the mo?
Oh well, roll on leaving school. Then i get to do what i want to do with no fucker else telling me or standing over me. And i don't have to wave goodbye to my dreams for someone else now either. At least it'll make saying goodbye a whole lot easier. All i have to face now is leaving scarlett, bubz, tinky and yeas dear old moley too (but like i told him tonight, i'm sure they have moles in Ireland, not sure bout spain or montanna though!?) And then there's leaving Star... And then there's leaving Toy. But i'm not really leaving her coz she is with me wherever i go, she's safe in my heart and no one can ever take her away. And she said to follow my dreams...

Bye!

Chris you'll ever see this but this is for you (i dont want you to see this anyway but it makes me feel better writing it) all the points ive highlighted are just so true for us but i guess there is no us, now theres just me...

Because you loved me

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I’ll be forever thankful baby
You’re the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You’re the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
You gave me faith ’coz you believed
I’m everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I’m grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don’t know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
You gave me faith ’coz you believed
I’m everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You’ve been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
You gave me faith ’coz you believed
I’m everything I am
Because you loved me

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
You gave me faith ’coz you believed
I’m everything I am
Because you loved me

I’m everything I am
Because you loved me


but for what eh? nothing i guess. i was stupid and fell in love with you, all you gave me in return was the strength to carry on for a few more months. Now im free.
So i'm going. Either going to Ireland or going 'home'. Either way i'm following my dreams. I'm doing what you sed "getting on with my life" but looks like we won't be doing it together. Getting on with my life and going to Ireland or getting on with going home because i know someone loves me up there and wont let me down, she listens and she cares.
A new day has come...

A new day, oh..oh..
I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and don’t shed a tear

Through the darkness and good times
I knew I’d make it through
And the world thought I had it all
But I was waiting for you

Hush, now

I see a light in the sky
Oh, it’s almost blinding me
I can’t believe
I’ve been touched by an angel with love

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new sun

A new day has... come

Oh...

Where it was dark now there’s light
Where there was pain now there’s joy
Where there was weakness, I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy


The power of love

The whispers in the morning
Of lovers sleeping tight
Are rolling like thunder now
As I look in your eyes

I hold on to your body
And feel each move you make
Your voice is warm and tender
A love that I could not forsake

’cause I am your lady
And you are my man
Whenever you reach for me
I’ll do all that I can

Lost is how I’m feeling lying in your arms
When the world outside’s too
Much to take
That all ends when I’m with you

Even though there may be times
It seems I’m far away
Never wonder where I am’cause
I am always by your side

We’re heading for something
Somewhere I’ve never been
Sometimes I am frightened
But I’m ready to learn
Of the power of love

The sound of your heart beating
Made it clear
Suddenly the feeling that I can’t go on
Is light years away


My heart will go on

Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you,
That is how I know you go on

Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you’re here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we’re gone

Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we’ll always go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you’re here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

You’re here, there’s nothing I fear,
And I know that my heart will go on
We’ll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

To love you more

Take me back in the arms I love
Need me like you did before
Touch me once again
And remember when
There was no one that you wanted more

Don’t go you know you will break my heart
She won’t love you like I will
I’m the one who’ll stay
When she walks away
And you know I’ll be standing here still

I’ll be waiting for you
Here inside my heart
I’m the one who wants to love you more
You will see I can give you
Everything you need
Let me be the one to love you more

See me as if you never knew
Hold me so you can’t let go
Just believe in meI will make you see
All the things that your heart needs to know

I’ll be waiting for you
Here inside my heart
I’m the one who wants to love you more
You will see I can give you
Everything you need
Let me be the one to love you more

And some way all the love that we had can be saved
Whatever it takes we’ll find a way

I don’t know what to doI don’t know what to feelI don’t know what to sayI don’t think my wounds will healmy heart was brokenmy heart was tornmy heart is bleedingnow I wish I wasn’t bornI gave you my lifeI gave you my soulI gave you something I can’t take backnow I’m left with a holeI’m falling apartI’m falling so slowI’m falling to my deathand no one will ever knowhow much you hurt mehow much I loved youhow much pain I’m inthere’s only one thing left to doI’ll slide this knifeI’ll slide it across my neckI’ll slide it slowand my body will fall as a wreck
Dawn goes to day:Dusk goes to night:And in the morning:I won’t see light:The pain is to Hard:I just can’t take it:I’ll try to live another day:But I know I won’t make it:Sometimes I wonderIf I was a mistake:Mother says I wasn’t:Father says I was:but I’m so confused right now:I think I’m getting a buzz:I took 10 pills this morning:Hoping it would dobut obviously it didn’tBecause I still see youBeing here on earth has caused me so much painso much painI have to do somethingTo slice my vein..............................see what you did?Now I’m dead but don’t feel quality in your headIt wasn’t youIt was meBut don’t worryBecause now I’m free

I can‘t believe your goneI‘m never going to c u againnow everything in my life seems wrongoh how i fucking hate u menbut still deep inside my heartthere is a love before the hatewhich makes me feel we should never b apartbut wiv every man they bring u heartbreakI have no fuckin clue what I‘m going to doI can‘t carry on feeling this intense love 4 uSo I guess I will give upThere is no point in anythin any moreY did u have 2 leave?I stand here in the pouring rain at ur doorbut i know u wont answer coz u r goneSo i break down and cry– i cant stay strongnot with u gone so i lay there in a puddle of rainno1 can help me– only u can stop this painso i let the pain kill me inside its what i deserve y did i have 2 fuckin liei didnt deserve u all alongi still cant believe ur really gonei lay there thinking, burning inside and then the clock stopped ticking right infront of my eyesthere was a flash of white light i knew it was time so i didnt put up a fightbut thought of u, loved u, felt u wiv all my mightwished u love as i layed here dying 2niteNOW THE CLOCK OF MY LIFE HAS STOPPED

Look at me, im dying
Slowly melting in your eyes
I cant take it anymore
Im finished with your lies
Your killing me slowly
My life is at its end
I don’t know how you do it
My heart will never mend
So that’s it I guess
Time to say goodbye
You have hurt me way too much
And yet I wonder why
When you told me that you loved me
I guess you were just faking
But know im slowly dying
My lifes yours for the taking
Now im dead your just too late
You’ve just commited murder
Goodnight my old loverNow you’ve really lost her.

I dont wanna be lonely no more

Im not suppose to love you,Im not suppose to care,Im not suppose to live my life,Wishing you were there,
Im not suppose to wonder where you are or what you do,Im sorry I just can't help myself I fell in love with you,You know me and you have spent wonderful times together,But nothing that I do is going to change the love I had to give to you,Knowing that there is nothing better then the kiss that you gave me that night,I promise that everything will turn out right,For if it doesn’t screams will be killing me at night,For the hurt that you had to go through,And the broken heart I gave you,I promise that the one thing that you will see is the good side of me,Sometimes when I am in a bad mood I can be a grump,But the best way to think of things is "oh well she will be alright,"Then you will have me forever,I promise you that I love you and I would hate to lose all the good times me and you had,So tell me that everything is good,And tell me that you love me,Before it is to late...

Oopsy Daisy!!

got totally bollocked at school!!
for talking and laughing with faye at the fire practice thing!!
Miss Clifford went off her rocker!!
Anyways me and faye have to make formal apoligies to Mr Griffen and Mr Jackson tomorrow morning LOL!!
Best thing was Miss c said 'megan you dont even seem bothered, are you' and i said well not really!!!!
Fuckin Brilliant!!
Just wish everything else in my life was brilliant but at least ive got Ashdown!

If your not the one...

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

You never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one
I share my life with

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you in my life?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one
I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one
I die with
And Im praying you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't want to run away but I can't take it,
I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
But know my heart is by your side

I don’t wanna to run away but I can’t take it,
I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

this song is everything i want to say at the mo.
i just need him to say we'll be alright. I just wish that next time i go up the farm we could just talk and then i can tell him everything thats happened. I just need his reassurance. I need to know everything will be alright. For i really do love him, Jas never enters my head now and when i see him my chest no longer gets tight and i dont have to fight back the tears. I just need him to tell me and i need to tell him.

Maybe all men should just join the Royal Society for Pricks Cunts and Assholes

lifes really strange at the mo
im worried for scarlett coz ive been there before and i know what its like.
i found it real hard writing that letter it made me think about whats happened.
jas is driving me mad. one minute he's telling me he still loves me and that he always will, i kept catching him looking over at lunch and then he still carries on telling the same old lie and calling me a slut? i wonder would i still be here if i was still with him.
A few days after i broke up with jas i saw he wasnt the person i fell in love with. i dont know why or how he changed but hes certainly not the jas i know anymore.
im so happy with chris. but then i start to get worried coz what happens if it goes wrong again. i dont know wether to trust my heart and stay with him or wether to quit while im ahead coz one things for sure i couldnt face having my heart ripped out again, especially by chris coz i love him more than ive ever loved a someone before, certainly more than what i loved jas. i just wish i could spill my heart out to chris and tell him this and say everything i said to scarlett in that letter, maybe i should show him the letter? im stuck and really confused. i love him but does he love me and if so for how long?
Then we all talk about leaving. My heart is screaming for ireland or spain but chris has different dreams. so what happens then?
someone please help
why arent you here when i need you toy. i went to toys grave today and told her everything but i need her here with me, i need to just put my arms around her neck and bury my head in her mane and feel safe and secure.
God, why do you have to put me through such shit. just let me go home after ive helped scarlett. for fucks sake, im begging you.