In Between Dreams

heelloo!! To all you nosey fuckers who know who you are... Fuck off!! ------xx------

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Try

i was allowed out tonight thank god!!!
it's quite bad tho cos its made me realise how much i like him...
It was just another mad night though nothing intresting...:-)
although i did walk into a metal gate and i think i now have a broken nose and as you can imagine a certain someone found it hysterical...but then when he realised i was actually seeing stars he gave me a hug and kissed it better...;-) lol

Beth is a fucking legend letting me go see apassionata with her!!! i can't wait! She's a legend and a half!!!

Oh, forgot to say they made me walk round the downfield hotel again tonight and go down the graveyard... not impressed!!! And i got extra x tonight which suggests they are up to something... Oh God and we were walking down the road and guess who was round the corner...GINGER GEORGINA!!!!!... i knew i was gonna laugh so i kept walking!!!!...

All I know Is everything is not as it's seems
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Watching over me
And all I can do is try

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn the more I learn
The more i cry the more i cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try

All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby
And we are, we are, we are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love

Friday, November 25, 2005

Treat Me Like a Thoroughbred and I Won't Be a Nag

We got snow today yey!!!!!
Paddy was not impressed to be dragged out his stable into the freezing cold snow!!! He was a right baby about it too - snorting at it and leaping into it sending the bloody stuff everywhere!!!! But the best bit was when a bit of snow fell off the branch above and landed on his back, anyone would have thought it was a pack of wolves landing on his back!!!
Then we trapsed up to see Ashdown, Maverick, Murphy and Rioley who just went in the field today and Ashdown was a complete twat!! He rolled for england even though the snow in his field was four inches deep and then him and Maverick started playing and he fell flat on his face. I think if horses could blush he would have done. I don't know how but he's still standing with all four legs intact!!!!

Thursday, November 24, 2005

There You'll Be...

I don't think i need to say who this is for. All that matters is that i know the truth for I know who it's for. If someone wants to interpret it to be for someone else then thats there problem, not mine and they will be the ones looking stupid...

When I think back
On these times
And the dreams
We left behind
I'll be glad 'cause
I was blessed to get
To have you in my life
When I look back
On these days
I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me

In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be

Well you showed me
How it feels
To feel the sky
Within my reach
And I always
Will remember all
The strength you
Gave to me
Your love made me
Make it through
Oh, I owe so much to you
You were right there for me

In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be

'Cause I always saw in you
My light, my strength
And I want to thank you
Now for all the ways
You were right there for me
You were right there for me
For always

In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be


It's when you hear something like that, that somethings make sense. It makes certain things easier for certain things to come.
Today i felt a hypocrite writing about advising people to beleive in their dreams. I mean i was so prepared to sacrifice my own dreams as well as myself for something that time will make sense of and for a few people who just couldn't beleive in me or just didn't want to give me the chance to try. Maybe it was through jealousy, maybe through spite - i don't know but the thing is - now i don't care.
I was told to delete my blog and start a new one but to be honest that's not my style. If people find my personal life so intresting and have obviously got nothing better to do with their pathetic little lives then that's up to them. This blog is between me and MY FRIENDS. Anyone else who wants to read and print it off and show people then i have a little message for you: GET A LIFE, GROW UP, WAKE UP TO THE REAL WORLD, AND GET THE FUCK RIGHT OUT OF MY LIFE COS YOUR THOUGHTS, VIEWS AND OPINIONS DONT MATTER, THEY DON'T COUNT, IN FACT THEY NEVER DID. I COULDN'T GIVE A SHIT IF YOU THINK I WON'T MAKE IT OR IF YOU THINK ITS STUPID - ITS MY DREAM AND I AM THE ONLY PERSON WHO TRULY KNOWS ME AND WHAT I WANT. I BELEIVE IN MYSELF. I THINK YOU SHOULD OPEN YOUR EYES AND DO THE SAME - AFTER ALL YOU ARE 16 NOW, ITS ABOUT TIME YOU GREW UP AND FACED THE TRUTH AND TOOK A LOOK AT THE REAL WORLD.

Wild One

They said change your clothes
She said no I won't
They said comb your hair
She said some kids don't
And her parents dreams went up in smoke

They said you can't leave
She said yes I will
They said don't see him
She said his name is Bill
She's on a roll and it's all uphill

She's a wild one
With an angel's face
She's a woman-child
In a state of grace
When she was 3 years old on her daddy's knee
He said you can be anything you want to be
She's a wild one
Runnin' free

She loves Rock and Roll
They said it's Satan's tongue
She thinks they're too old
They think she's too young
And the battle lines are clearly drawn

She's a wild one
With an angel's face
She's a woman-child
In a state of grace
When she was 3 years old on her daddy's knee
He said you can be anything you want to be
She's a wild one
Runnin' free

She has future plans and dreams at night
When they tell her life is hard she says that's alright

She's a wild one
With an angel's face
She's a woman-child
In a state of grace
When she was 3 years old on her daddy's knee
He said you can be anything you want to be
She's a wild one
Runnin' free

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Seeing through the Mist...




4 years ago today i released my Angel. 4 years ago we took Toya on her last journey. 4 years ago we took her home. Its quite strange - it all seems as if it happened yesterday, the day she went but then it feels like decades since she was here. I guess thats how the mind works...

I heard your voice in the wind today
and i tuned to see your face;
The warmth of the wind caressed me
as i stood silently in place.

I felt your touch in the sun today
as its warmth filled the sky;
I closed my eyes for your embrace
and my spirit soared high.

I saw your eyes in the window pane
as i watched the falling rain;
It seemed as each raindrop fell
it quietly said your name.

I held you close in my heart today
it made me feel complete;
You may have died...but you are not gone
you will always be a part of me.

As long as the sun shines...
the wind blows...
the rain falls...
You will live on inside of me forever
for that is all my heart knows.


Things are happening around me that i did not want to happen. I'm finding myself getting closer and closer to someone, knowing it can never,ever last, but still allowing my heart to build itself up only to await the crashing fall. I really can't see me staying here after i've finished sixth form...it just all seems so perfect and free over there - it feels like home, it feels like its calling out my name, it feels like the right path in life for me...but i need to go with no ties left behind... I need to go knowing that what i've done was right for me and also for everyone and everything left behind. I want to go knowing 100% that nothing was left unsaid or undone. Otherwise my mind will still be wandering and dreaming about wether what was promised still actually stands after we have left school, I can't go doubting about what could still be...

I can see things through a whole new light now - it feels like i've aged ten years in the past couple of weeks. I feel now that i know who I actually really am. Its like having walked through thick fog only for the fog to lift to reveal a whole new world full of new hopes and dreams to acheive and to cling onto...

But i came across this and it really made me think:
A kiss means nothing. At one point in time it meant love and affection, and then it escalated into something sexual. I thought it once meant anything opposite of abandonment. Now what does it mean? NOthing. Now, now it has no feeling or emotion behind ot to convey. A kiss used to mean "I‘ll always be there for you, I‘ll never leave. I love you." Kisses are meaningless, now. There is no love, or emotion, or anyting wholesome about sex anymore. And they‘re sure as hell not a promise to always stay or love. Kisses are only there in existence, without life. They may mean abandonment and "I‘m leaving". No matter who it is, it all means the same. A kiss no longer means something, let alone something special. A kiss means nothing, a nonliving existence. The most it could possibly mean is "I‘ll remember you" and that‘s only if the person claimed to have loved you at one time.

I don't know about anyone else but that really made sense to me...

all my love
Squeak!
----xx-------------------------------------------

Sunday, November 20, 2005

The Dreams of Ireland

There’s a quiet country girl who works at the stud .
She’s gifted with a horse sense, it’s there in her blood .
It sticks to her and it’s soft going through the mud ,
For there’s more to hooves than shoes that race with a thud .

When she watches she’s got the eyes of a hawk .
When she listens she can hear the horses talk .
From the lush Irish fields from Kildare to Dundalk ,
There’s many a whisper that goes out for a walk .

Some horses frighten easy like babes in the woods .
So she keeps wolves at bay with her red riding hoods .
She’s a friend who must contend with all of their moods .
It’s her own horse business and she’s got the goods .

From gripping a tight rein there to fixing a fence ,
There’s no one like her that can cut down an expense .
So lift up your glasses all you ladies and gents .
And salute the fine girl with the gift of horse sense .

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Earth's Loss is Heavens Gain...


Christ its unbeleivable that 4 years have passed since Toya left us. I would give absoloutely anything to just hold her once more and kiss her, wrap my arms around her warm, comforting neck, know she's safe, tell her i'm sorry, tell her i'm thankyou for everything she did but more importantly to tell her that i love her and that i always will.
Today on the Quantocks it was Heaven... The frost sparkiling in the sunlight, everything was so crisp, so clear. The cool, gentle breeze carried her spirit to me. I closed my eyes and felt that familiar nudge at my elbow and soft whicker in my ear. Keeping my eyes closed i kept her with me...the more they were closed the more real she became...i told her everything and it was like old times...then once again i saw that longing in her eyes, so i kissed her and let her go...i watched her spirit dance, i watched her spirit run, i watched her spirit play, i watched her spirit in peace...
There are some things that time can never heal. I don't think pain lessens either, i just think that you become used to it.
Never look back unless you can smile and never look forward unless you can dream...
And i now can look back and smile, smile at everything we did, smile at all her little quirks and ways... and i can dream, dream for the future and dream for the day where we are stood side by side once more...but this time forever...

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Stripped part 2

Sorry if I ain't perfect
Sorry I don't give a fuck
Sorry I ain't a diva
Sorry just know what I want
Sorry I'm not a virgin
Sorry I'm not a slut
I won't let you break me
Think what you want

To all my dreamers out there -
I'm with you
All my underdogs, ha -
I feel you
Lift your head high and stay strong
Keep pushin' on

Can't Hold Us Down

So, what, am I not supposed to have an opinion?
Should I keep quiet just because I'm a woman?
Call me a bitch 'cause I speak what's on my mind
Guess it's easier for you to swallow if I sat and smiled

When a female fires back,
Suddenly, big talker don't know how to act
So, he does what every little boy would do
Makin' up a few false rumors or two
That for sure is not a man to me,
Slanderin' names for popularity
It's sad you only get your fame through controversy
But now, it's time for me to come and give you more to say

This is for my girls all around the world
Who have come across a man that don't respect your worth
Thinkin' all women should be seen, not heard
So, what do we do, girls, shout out loud
Lettin' 'em know we're gonna stand our ground
So, lift your hands higher and wave 'em proud
Take a deep breath and say it loud
Never can, never will
Can't hold us down

Nobody can hold us down
Nobody can hold us down
Nobody can hold us down
Never can, never will

So, what, am I not supposed to say what I'm saying?
Are you offended with the message I'm bringin'?
Call me whatever 'cause your words don't mean a thing
Guess you ain't even a man enough to handle what I sing
If you look back in history, it's a common double standard of society
The guy gets all the glory, the more he can score
While the girl can do the same, and yet you call her a whore
I don't understand why it's okay
The guy can get away with it, the girl gets named
All my ladies come together and make a change
And start a new beginning for us, everybody sing

This is for my girls all around the world
Who have come across a man that don't respect your worth
Thinkin' all women should be seen, not heard
So, what do we do, girls, shout out loud
Lettin' 'em know we're gonna stand our ground
So, lift your hands higher and wave 'em proud
Take a deep breath and say it loud
Never can, never will
Can't hold us down


i love that song so i just had to put it on here!!!!

Stripped

Waited a long time for this, feels right now
Allow me to introduce myself,
Want you to come a little closer.
I'd like you to get to know me a little better
Meet the real me.

Sorry you can't define me
Sorry I break the mold
Sorry that I speak my mind
Sorry don't do what I'm told
Sorry if I don't fake it
Sorry I come too real
I will never hide what I really feel.
No way, oh.

So here it is
No hype, no glass, no pretense.
Just me
Stripped

Saturday, November 12, 2005

It's MY LIFE

This ain't a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for the faith-departed
I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You're gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud

It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said I did it my way
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life

This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down
Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistake
Luck ain't even lucky
Got to make your own breaks

It's my life
And it's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life

Better stand tall when they're calling you out
Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down

It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive

It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life!


That song is my theme tune!!! I love it
Last night was brill - one of the best parties yet except scarlett wasn't there! I sunk a big bottle of Red Ice Purple before hand and then at the party i lost count of how many cans i drunk. And Anthony was there!!!! ;-) I know i haven't said anything bout him but anyway he's really nice and bloody hilarious and he's near enough my own age - he's 17 in 2 weeks!! So yeah great party, got with Anthony, got bloody hammered, smoked to my hearts content and i was a very good girl THIS time and stayed away from the drugs!!!!!
Got my hair done! i love it it's had blonde put in (no comments needed) and been severely layered - at the front its chin length - and it was razored as well to give it that whatever look you want to call it!!!
My letter got in the paper again this morning! At least this time i can't get death threats through the post cos it was about Best Mate and not hunting. And it was the letter they chose to put the picture with!!!!!! It's quite bitchy actually slagging off the papers for printing those pictures of him lying on the ground...
Today we have the big meeting at Cheltenham!!! AND GERAGHTY IS BACK OVER FROM IRELAND... (sorry was finding a blank tape to record it on!!!)... Native Emporor is running and so is CAPTAIN CORELLI, monkerhostin, Our Vic, LACDOUDAL, Turgeonev, and tomorrow running are Chilling Place, Accordion Etoile, AND MY BABY IS RUNNING TOMORROW SO CROSS FINGERS AND TOES YEP ROOSTER BOOSTER IS RUNNING TOMORROW, so is Self Defence. And today running is a horse called Forget The Past and its ridden by Geragthy!!! i think that one needs a bet placed on it!!! and tomorrow theres a horse running called Meggie's Beau which may have to have somehting put on it too!!!!

Friday, November 04, 2005

Everytime we Say Goodbye

Everytime we say goodbye
I die a little
Everytime we say goodbye
I wonder why a little
Why the gods above me
Who must be in the know
Think so little of me
They allow you to go

When you're near
There's such an air
Of spring about it
I can hear a lark somewhere
Begin to sing about it
There's no love song finer
But how strange the change
From major to minor
Everytime we say goodbye

There's no love song finer
But how strange the change
From major to minor
Everytime we say goodbye

Last night was bloody awful. I got a text from Chris saying "do you still love me" i read it and i actually threw up. i answered "y, i thought it didnt matter anymore but yeah i do still love you" the reply i got was absoloutely fucking marvellous "just wondering lol" yeah, i though it was really fucking funny. Now i want to know why he sent it, what was going on last night? OH I FUCKING HATE YOU MEN!!!
But i cheered myself up today by going straight down to the nearest travel agent and got loads of brochures on Ireland, they also gave me a pack about moving to Ireland but then it depressed me coz i wished i could get away and be there right now, away from all the pricks and two faced bitches in this world.
On a lighter note the pic at the top is Ollie Magern, he's one im supporting in this years campaign along with Rooster Booster, Moscow Flyer, Kicking King and Giselle. He's a game little lad, smaller than most, but he has the 'i dont give a fuck attitude' and really fights till the winning line and he's irish, of course!! So he's one to watch cos he's a fighter and don't take no shit off of no-one...

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Another Angel Takes Flight


Gold Cup legend Best Mate dies. Triple Cheltenham Gold Cup winner Best Mate has collapsed and died after his run in Tuesday's William Hill Haldon Gold Cup at Exeter.The much-loved horse, trained by Henrietta Knight seemed to be in some distress after being pulled up by jockey Paul Carberry. But as he was being brought back to the course stables, he collapsed with a suspected heart attack and died.
"He died doing what he enjoyed doing - and that was racing," said Knight.
Best Mate, who won the 2002, 2003 and 2004 Cheltenham Gold Cups had been ruled out of the 2005 race after suffering a burst blood vessel and the Exeter race marked his return to the track.
Under the guidance of Carberry for the first time after the retirement of Jim Culloty, he had been well-placed behind leader Ashley Brook early on. But Carberry started to nudge the Jim Lewis-owned 10-year-old on as the leaders moved clear, and he pulled the horse up.
The race was won by 10-1 chance Monkerhostin.
Trainer Henrietta Knight was quickly on the scene after the horse collapsed.
"I was actually on the track where he came down and I was the first one there. I knew immediately he had died," she said.
"As I saw him go down I knew I was seeing a dead horse and I just wanted it to be over as quickly as possible.
"I have ridden a horse before who suffered a heart attack while I was on board and I have to say this looks reminiscent of that. The legs go, they wobble and then they go down.
"It hasn't sunk in yet but I am honoured to have had a wonderful horse like him to train and he really put my yard on the map." Knight's husband and assistant Terry Biddlecombe added: "Paul is a good jockey and he knew something was wrong. The only consolation is it was pretty instantaneous and he wouldn't have felt any pain."
Owner Jim Lewis said that Best Mate, who was the first horse since Arkle in the 1960s to win the Gold Cup three times, was a pleasure to own and would never be forgotten.
"He was a great racehorse - there can have been very few in the world like him," he said.
"He helped us raise thousands of pounds for charity and he made a lot of difference to many people's lives."
Lewis also confirmed that the horse would be buried at Exeter, where he had won his first chase in 2000 and also been victorious on two other occasions.
Jockey Jim Culloty, who partnered the horse in 18 of his 22 races said: "The fact he was as good as he was, as honest as he was, and as consistent as he was, was why the public came to love him and deservedly so.
"Having a name like Best Mate helped too and he certainly put me on the map.
"I gave up riding a few months ago and my one regret was that I wasn't going to be able to ride Best Mate any more.
"I was looking forward to following his career and I thought he had a couple more good years left in him - but it wasn't meant to be."

Another legend has run his last, his last memory is of his final race, doing what he lived for. The papers stole his dignity by printing pictures of him collapsing and lying dead on the floor, it sickened me. But no one will ever steal his memory...