Seeing through the Mist...

4 years ago today i released my Angel. 4 years ago we took Toya on her last journey. 4 years ago we took her home. Its quite strange - it all seems as if it happened yesterday, the day she went but then it feels like decades since she was here. I guess thats how the mind works...

I heard your voice in the wind today
and i tuned to see your face;
The warmth of the wind caressed me
as i stood silently in place.

I felt your touch in the sun today
as its warmth filled the sky;
I closed my eyes for your embrace
and my spirit soared high.

I saw your eyes in the window pane
as i watched the falling rain;
It seemed as each raindrop fell
it quietly said your name.

I held you close in my heart today
it made me feel complete;
You may have died...but you are not gone
you will always be a part of me.

As long as the sun shines...
the wind blows...
the rain falls...
You will live on inside of me forever
for that is all my heart knows.


Things are happening around me that i did not want to happen. I'm finding myself getting closer and closer to someone, knowing it can never,ever last, but still allowing my heart to build itself up only to await the crashing fall. I really can't see me staying here after i've finished sixth form...it just all seems so perfect and free over there - it feels like home, it feels like its calling out my name, it feels like the right path in life for me...but i need to go with no ties left behind... I need to go knowing that what i've done was right for me and also for everyone and everything left behind. I want to go knowing 100% that nothing was left unsaid or undone. Otherwise my mind will still be wandering and dreaming about wether what was promised still actually stands after we have left school, I can't go doubting about what could still be...

I can see things through a whole new light now - it feels like i've aged ten years in the past couple of weeks. I feel now that i know who I actually really am. Its like having walked through thick fog only for the fog to lift to reveal a whole new world full of new hopes and dreams to acheive and to cling onto...

But i came across this and it really made me think:
A kiss means nothing. At one point in time it meant love and affection, and then it escalated into something sexual. I thought it once meant anything opposite of abandonment. Now what does it mean? NOthing. Now, now it has no feeling or emotion behind ot to convey. A kiss used to mean "I‘ll always be there for you, I‘ll never leave. I love you." Kisses are meaningless, now. There is no love, or emotion, or anyting wholesome about sex anymore. And they‘re sure as hell not a promise to always stay or love. Kisses are only there in existence, without life. They may mean abandonment and "I‘m leaving". No matter who it is, it all means the same. A kiss no longer means something, let alone something special. A kiss means nothing, a nonliving existence. The most it could possibly mean is "I‘ll remember you" and that‘s only if the person claimed to have loved you at one time.

I don't know about anyone else but that really made sense to me...

all my love
Squeak!
----xx-------------------------------------------