Love Will be the Death - the Death of You

What are dreams if we don't have someone there for us along the way?
I am so torn between the things and people i love it's impossible to know which path in life to take. Last week i wanted to start moving away from the reminders of the past to make it easier when i go - but then things happen that make me unable to do so. Last weekend i made my mind up to try and keep away from the quantocks as much as i could. Gran said she didn't mind starting hunting with the DSSH or even go back to foxhunting so that helped in the hunting sense. I told myself i would no longer go for walks on the hills. It all seemed so easy and so simple to do. The quantocks hold so many memories it's unbeleivable. Every path at some stage i've been down - either with Toy, either with Star, even with Chris - that it's just like stabbing you in the heart and bringing you down to your knees.
I felt i could do it, felt i could leave Toy to be free but things never go the way you want do they?
But from now on i'm just going to concentrate on Paddy and making a go of things, like helping Sharon as much as poss - anything to gain as much experiance as possible to help me for when i get to Ireland. From now on Paddy, Ashdown, Maverick, Riely and Murphy come first. Now the evenings are dark i'm going to get a job to earn as much as i can so Paddy gets nothing but the best and i need to start saving anyway. to be honest i don't care if i miss all the Young Farmer's dico's, it's only going to hurt me if i go anyway. ..
I rode Maverick yesterday and led Ashdown which was cool. Maverick is a darling and really comfy to ride but Ashdown was a bit of a bugger to lead!!!He's still my babe though!!! lol!!!
I'm so glad i've got Scarlett for a best mate. I dread to think where i would be right now if it wasn't for her, although she's probably fed up with all my rambling and crazy thoughts and yes, ok, the blonde moments as well!!!!
I heard (i hate writin that word!!) a great line in a song the other day; "you don't need me, but you want me to go on wanting you" It seems quite apt and true at the mo!!
Then i read this in Polo and i cried my eyes out; "nudged asleep perhaps by the velvet muzzle of Mattie's ghost" I guess some nights i still wish that i could be nudged asleep by the velvet muzzle of Toy's spirit, but when i dream she's there so im doing ok now, i think, on that front anyway...

"Give all to love,

Obey thy heart,

Tis a brave master,

Let it have scope, follow it utterly..."

At the moment anyway i've kind of forgotten about Jas which is really good (i spose) and same goes for Chris (i think). But then Chris text me today totally on his own accord, so does he still care? I wish i knew...Same goes for both of them really...I think...

"But i have promises to keep,

And miles to go before i sleep..."

That lil quote seems to sum my life up. I have so many promises and so many miles to go before i do close my eyes to sleep forever and only then can my final dream come true. But not until i've done what i want to do and acheived my dreams and goals first. Coz that's what Toy wants...

I'm texting Henry again too. I felt really bad and didn't see why i couldn't be friends with him anymore - i've had enough of people telling me what to do and who i can and not be friends with.

I heard (there's that bloody word again!!!) a great saying the other day "I haven't got a foxes chance in a hunt kennel" it made me chuckle for ages!!!

Robbie's new album is great!! best one yet!! Don't worry i've got a copy for you Scarlett!! This is my fav song on it;

"Spread Your Wings"

I used to live 'round here

I was the boy with the flash clothes

She was the girl with the acid stare

I saw her at the place

You knows she knows you know

How she shakes

When she jacks her body

To the sounds of Oran Juice Jones

And Jocelyn Brown

Oh spread your wings

Before they fall apart

Home is where the hurt is darlin'

Follow your heart

So she walks into this dead end bar

Sticks her handbag

On the chair

So she walks into this dead end bar

Puts hers handbag on the chair

And she waits

For words we shared

When we were 15 and still cared

Cos she feels I'm a scar from the wound that time cant heal

And I said

Don't let your dreams out of your head

Stick it to the man instead

Don't fool your heart

Lying about the fears that you had back then

Did you try to change your life

Did you ever try to change your life

You repeat and repeat and repeat

Now what's up with that

Now she loves somebody else

In flash clothes

She was the girl with the acid stare

And now she paid to have

One of those

And she weighs the word she says

And she knows

You exist

Now she feels I'm the scar from the wound that time cant heal

Oh spread your wings

Before they fall apart

Home is where the hurt is darlin

Follow your heart

Spread your wings

Before they fall apart

Home is where the hurt is darlin

Follow your heart

Heart, heart, heart

This is a great line from another of his song's too; "At what point did you realise, that everybody loves your life but you"

"And if you die before i leave

What on earth becomes of me

Look around theres noone here

To love me and hold me"

"The Trouble With Me"

You see the trouble with me

I'm a basket case

I don't think I can love, love, love

You see the trouble with you

Is your in love with me

What a strange thing to do

What a brave place to be

So we dive

On sunset strip

Our hearts so deep

I drown in it

And as it breaks

I swim through cracks

And leave with words

I can't take back

So she stays

On sunset strip

Our hearts so full

I drown in it

She's waiting for

My words to break

The one true love

I couldn't make

So she walks

That golden mile

Men will try

And catch her eye

We both know

What could have been

On sunset strip

Our broken dream

I'm hoping everything will be back to normal when we get back to school. But then again, no doubt we will all hear about their wonderful meal together and i bet we hear it again and again and again. Its like rubbing salt into raw wounds, well thats how it feels to me anyway. Thankfully CJ said i could go and stay with them at lunch if things got bad, at least there's that option open i suppose.

"The courage isn't to love someone. It's letting them love you back."

Wise words i guess...

But words are empty unless you follow them through...