From now on i'm gonna fuck things up my way..

ok here goes...
AARRGGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sorry had to do that!!
im am really, really stressed and pissed off!!!
Jas is sneaking back into my head again! Dont yell at me i cant help it! maybe this song will help you guys understand?

I walk along the city streets

You used to walk along with me

And every step I take recalls

How much in love we used to be

Oh, how can I forget you babe

When there is always something there to remind me

Always something there to remind me

I was born to love you

And I will never be free

You'll always be a part of me

When shadows fall I pass the small café

Where we would dance at night

And I can't help recalling

How it felt to kiss and hold you tight

Oh, how can I forget you babe

When there is always something there to remind me

Always something there to remind me

I was born to love you

And I will never be free

You'll always be a part of me

If you should find you miss the sweet

And tender love we used to share

Just come back to the places

Where we used to go and I'll be there

Oh, how can I forget you babe

When there is always something there to remind me

Always something there to remind me

I was born to love you

And I will never be free

You'll always be a part of me

I'll never love another, baby

I never will forget you, baby

You'll always be a part of me...

please somebody help!! i keep looking at my mobile (called pinky by the way!!) and either hoping that he'll text me or wondering whether i should text him. I keep reading the message he sent me saying that he still loves me and he always will and i just keep thinking. I keep thinking what it would be like now if i hadn't of fucked things up, what i would be doing if we were still together like would i be in his arms or lying next to him. Then i remember some of the bad stuff too like feeling trapped and other shit that i can't be bothered to go into now. But there were so many good times. I wish i could find out how he feels, it would stop my mind from wandering and thinking...
But then theres Chris. I love him for all the reasons why i hate Jas. But then i love Jas for all the reasons why Chris irritates me. Real bummer, eh?

Blue Moon, you saw me standing alone,

Without a dream in my heart,

Without a love of my own,

Blue moon, you knew just what I was there for,

You heard me saying a prayer for,

Someone I really could care for,

And then there suddenly appeared before me,

The only one my arms will ever hold,

I heard somebody whisper "please adore me,

"And when I looked the moon had turned to gold,

Blue moon, now I'm no longer alone,

Without a dream in my heart,

Without a love of my own.

that song really reminds me of him (chris)

Its like i heard from someone that chris only came last friday to be sociable and the person also said that he was just using me just because i was there. But then Chris told me that the only reason why he came was because i was going. So who do i beleive? He's also said that he misses me so what am i supposed to make of that? And then i've got this real creepy feeling that somehtings going on behind my back. I dunno if im just being paronoid but no matter what laura says i know she still likes chris. And obviously she would have told Lucy this. Then today in food i overheard Laura and Chris talking about going out for a meal - just those two and Lucy. And that's when i hit the roof but on the inside rather than just walking up to them and going ballistic. So is it just me or is Lucy trying to get those two together? cos none of us have been invited to this dinner thing and i for one have not even heard of it til now. And she is always asking him to go up hers for a ride and to to their own bit of hunting. And i am now getting really suspicous. If Chris has moved on then fine i accept that. But if him and Laura get together then i am just going to walk away and say Fuck You and leave our little group and go back to my old gang. Its not so much jelousy but what kind of best friend gets with the guy who you gave your heart too. It would be like me going out with Phil. I know i didn't write about it on here cos i din't want to worry my friends but it did hit me harder than splitting with Jas. i mean lets face the truth if moley hadn't of rung me when he did then lets face it i wouldnt be here writing this message now. But im over that sort of stuff at the moment. Like i said if my suspicions come true then im just going to blow a gasket and scream a few home truths at who's supposed to be my mate cos at the mo she just seems to wrapped up in her own world to care about how others are feeling and how pissed off they are getting with a few things in particular.

I don't know when I've been so blue

Don't know what's come over you

You've found someone new

And don't it make my green eyes blue

I'll be fine when you're gone

I'll just cry all night long

Say it isn't true

And don't it make my green eyes blue

Tell me no secrets, tell me some lies

Give me no reasons, give me alibis

Tell me you love me and don't let me cry

Say anything but don't say goodbye

I didn't mean to treat you bad

Didn't know just what I had

But honey now I do

And don't it make my green eyes

Don't it make my green eyes

Don't it make my green eyes blue

that songs quite apt at the mo i think!!

Why does the sun go on shining

Why does the sea rush to shore

Don't they know it's the end of the world

Cause you don't love me any more

Why do the birds go on singing

Why do the stars glow above

Don't they know it's the end of the world

It ended when I lost your love

I wake up in the morning and I wonder

Why everything's the same as it was I can't understand,

no, I can't understand

How life goes on the way it does

Why does my heart go on beating

Why do these eyes of mine cry

Don't they know it's the end of the world

It ended when you said goodbye

Why does my heart go on beating

Why do these eyes of mine cry

Don't they know it's the end of the world

It ended when you said goodbye

see that one thing i dont get. how people think they know it all when they think that after the day when you've split up with someone they think that your fine and not hurting. WELL YOUR FUCKING WRONG LUVVIE COS YOU DONT KNOW SWEET FUCK ALL BUT SOMEDAY SOON YOU WILL GET TO KNOW AND YOU WILL GET TO REALISE COS I AM AT BREAKING POINT AND IM NOT GOING TO TAKE MUCH MORE SHIT. PERHAPS ONE DAY YOU'LL LEARN WHAT ITS LIKE FROM EXPERIANCE AND MAYBE YOU WONT HAVE THE BEST MATE I DID TO PICK UP ALL THE PIECES AND TOO BASICALLT TALK SOME SENSE INTO YOU TO STOP YOURSELF FROM KILLING YOURSELF. COS THATS THE FUCKING TRUTH. I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF, DO YOU WANT TO HEAR IT AGAIN SO IT SINKS IN? I WANTED TO KILL MYSLEF. THATS HOW MUCH THE PAIN HURTS AND IT LASTS LONGER THAN ONE FUCKING DAY. AND ANOTHER THING YOUR HORSE WAS NOT MY HORSE. SO DON'T THINK YOU NOW WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO LOOSE HER COS YOU FUCKING DONT. YOURS WASN'T YOUR LIFELINE- THE ONE THING THAT KEPT YOU SAFE - THE ONE THING YOU HAD IN YOUR LIFE THAT YOU COULD COUNT ON AND TRUST AND THAT HORSE WAS ALL I LIVED FOR. SO DONT EVER FUCKING COMAPRE HER TO ANY OF YOURS COS THEY WONT EVEN BE SLIGHLY LIKE HER SO NO ACTUALLY YOU DONT KNOW WHAT ITS FUCKING LIKE SO DONT TELL ME YOU DO. AND YOU SAY THAT YOU DONT LIKE YOURSELF FOR HAVING ONE OF YOURS OUT ON LOAN- WELL WAKE UP BABE AND SMELL THE ROSES. 1. AT LEAST HE IS STILL ALIVE AND 2. AT LEAST YOU KNOW HES SAFE AND BEING PROPERLY LOOKED AFTER. COS RIGHT NOW GUILT IS KILLING ME FOR LEAVING STAR WITH JACKIE. I LAY AWAKE AND WONDER WHETHER SHES SAFE, WARM - STILL ALIVE EVEN/ I GAVE THAT MARE HOPE AND THEN I JUST LEFT HER THROUGH NO FAULT OF HER OWN. SHE HASNT DONE ANYTHING WRONG TO ANYONE IN HER LIFE YET SHE'S SUFFERING. JUST OPEN YOUR EYES AND WAKE UP TO THE REAL WORLD BEFORE THE REAL WORLD GETS YOU. IF THAT MARE DIES THROUGH IGNORANCE THEN THATS THE LAST STRAW. COS I CERTAINLY WONT BE ABLE TO LIVE WITH MYSELF IF SHE DOES, NOT A CHANCE.

SO NEXT TIME DONT EVER FUCKING COMAPRE SOMETHING TO TOYA OR TO STAR COS YOU WONT. AND I WONT LET YOU SAY IT AGAIN EITHER BECAUSE SOMEHOW I DONT THINK IM GOING TO STAND FOR HEARING SHIT LIKE THAT ANYMORE, NO FUCKING WAY. YEAH I MAYBE A CRUEL AND HEARTLESS BITCH BUT LETS FACE IVE ONLY LEARNT BY EXAMPLE AND IVE ONLY BECOME LIKE IT BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT THIS WORLD REALLY IS LIKE AND WHAT REALLY GOES ON IN IT.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I'M HAPPY FOR YOU

i WISH NOTHING BUT THE BEST FOR YOU BOTH.

AN OLDER VERSION OF ME

IS SHE PERVERTED LIKE ME

WOULD SHE GO DOWN ON YOU IN A THEATER

DOES SHE SPEAK ELOQUENTLY

AND WOULD SHE HAVE YOUR BABY

I'M SURE SHE'D MAKE A REALLY EXCELLANT MOTHER

'Cause the love that you gave that we made

wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no

And every time you speak her name

Does she know how you told me you'd hold me

Until you died, 'til you died

But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you

Of the mess you left when you went away

It's not fair to deny me

Of the cross I bear that you gave to me

You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful

I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know

Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity

I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner

It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced

AND Are you thinking of me when you fuck her

'Cause the joke that you laid in the bed that was me

And I'm not gonna fade

As soon as you close your eyes and you know it

And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back

I hope you feel it...well can you feel it...

SO YEAH QUIT TELLING ME WHAT YOU THINK COS I THINK YOU WILL FIND I NEVER ASKED FOR YOUR FUCKING OPNION ANYWAY. GET IT INTO YOU HEAD YOU KNOW FUCK ALL. FUCK ALL. FUCK ALL. FUCK ALL. SO LEAVE ME TO FUCK THINGS UP MY WAY COS I DONT GIVE A FUCKING SHIT ABOUT FUCKING THINGS UP YOUR WAY.