In Between Dreams

heelloo!! To all you nosey fuckers who know who you are... Fuck off!! ------xx------

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

seeking a way out

loosing Toya honestly broke my heart. I didnt give a shit about life for my life was meaningless without her. I was never any good with things like new years resoloutions but when she died the pain hurt so much that i made a promise to myself. I promised that i would never love anyone as strong again. In fact i promised myself never to love again full stop.
Yeah i know i got with a few guys but that meant nothing.
The Jas came along. I broke my promise and slowly but surely allowed myself to fall in love. It took about a month for me to trust him but after that there was no stopping us. For three years i had been grieving over Toy but when i found Jas it made her passing seem easier.
We told each other we loved one another. We made promises and talked about the future. I was happy once again, i had something to live for. We did everything together. We even went 'all the way'.
Then i went through a bad patch. My loss of Toy suddenly hit me again. A memory was stirred in my mind and i could think of nothing else but Toy. i ended it with jas because he didnt understand what i was going through, i never told him or anyone about Toya, it hurt too much. Seeking a form of comfort i got together with chris. But Jas had left his mark on me. i knew from that moment that i couldnt loose jas for good. i ended it with chris.
A few weeks later jas took me back again. he held me close and i knew that i had to tell him about toy otherwise i would loose him again. But the words just seemed to die from my lips. i tried to pull myself together. i gave him some space as i thought he would find me too clingy if i always hung around with him.
I went to dorset. I got a text through sayin we were growing apart, he wanted to be on his own for a bit.
at first the tears fell and i screamed my pain again and again. i wanted to end it there and then. to escape and then i could be with Toy. i thought about cutting my wrists and then i thought about taking an overdose on friday night at the young farmers ball with the alcohol, then that would numb the pain if i took it with alcohol. If i end it there i also get to say goodbye to my friends all of them apart from chris. He's on holiday but hopefully he will understand.
i tried to cope on my own with toys death and just about managed. now having to cope with toys death and loosing jas im at a loss.
lets just hope on friday night i can free my pain and let my body go.
lets just hope...