Scars are Souvenirs You Never Lose

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cuz I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cuz sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight



And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am


Everything just seems a bit unreal at the mo. It's like my world is way too fast and i keep thinking to myself over and over that nothing's real and nothing ever lasts.

...Now this angry little girl
Drownin in this petty world
And I'm who you run to
Swallow all your bitter pills
That's what makes you beautiful
You're all a lie
I won't leave what you ain't got...

I'm glad though that i sorted things out with Chris last friday night when he came down to the beach party. I think we both realised that we dont need the fallout, of all the past that's in between us, we've been too good mates for too long. We took a gamble that didn't pay off but it's life and we've paid off the debt and now moving on and getting on with our lifes. And I'm not holding on to that part of my life anymore. I was struck for a moment however when he said your forgiven but not forgotten. As you can imagine those words went straight through me but then Ant made me laugh cos he bounded up at that moment and said christ you're either furious, suicidal or over the moon.
Its nearly a year since all the mess started. yep, its nearly a year ago that i started going out with Jas - 9th Feb... for a year i've killed myself from the inside out and it's not happening anymore - i've got a life back now. I wonder though if he'll remember - after all i was in love - i was in love with the life i had on that date a year ago but something inside of me said that i wouldn't be the one to kneel before the dreams i wanted, i wouldn't bow down and break. As i said to Chris when he asked me to make up with everyone - it's not in me - its not in me to give in - its not in me to kneel - its not in me to fall.

Somehow the world has changed me
and I've come home
to give back the things they took from you
And I feel you now
I'm not alone
I'll always know where you are

When I see myself I'll always know where you are
Where you are

And I found something that was always there
sometimes it's got to hurt before you feel
but now I'm strong and I won't kneel
except to thank who's watching over me
But somehow I feel so stong
and I've begun
to be the one I never thought I'd be
and I feel you know
I'm not alone
I'll always know where you are

Now it's all so clear and I believe that everything's been working out for me
And i feel you now
I'm not alone
I'll always know, I'll always know where you are


It's a neverending world out there
And you and i made it this far
but believe me there's things about me you don't know

And who do I turn to?
Where do I run?
Who do I seek, cuz baby it's a cry for help.


And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
'Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost and thrown away

And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names
We don't belong to no one
That's a shame

But you can hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em' your name

And scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are

We grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em' your name
I won't tell em' your name

I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are come back down,
And I won't tell em your name


But through all the regrets and resentment i'm still here. I think once i get rid of three things that continuousely over rule my heart it will all be gone for good. But those three things - resentment, longing and anger are'nt things that are going to fade over night, i know that but i do need some fucking answers. i think most importantly i need a few answers from God if he really does exist - cos to me there's no such thing as God he's let me down too many times.

And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

And it's someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive
And the one poor child that saved this world
And there's 10 million more who probably could
If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this fight
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

Like the Wind..

I know there’s something in the wake of your smile
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yeah
you’ve built a love but that love falls apart
your little piece of heaven turns too dark

listen to your heart
when he’s calling for you
listen to your heart
there’s nothing else you can do
I don’t know where you’re going
and I don’t know why
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye

sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile
the precious moments are all lost in the tide, yeah
they’re swept away and nothing is what is seems
the feeling of belonging to your dreams

listen to your heart
when he’s calling for you
listen to your heart
there’s nothing else you can do
I don’t know where you’re going
and I don’t know why
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye

and there are voices
that want to be heard
so much to mention
but you can’t find the words
the scent of magic
the beauty that’s been
when love was wilder than the wind

It seems like all the fighters are giving up in the last couple of months; Best Mate, Rooster Booster, Caz and Grandad.
I can't beleive i lost Grandad. I just hope he's safe now and no longer suffering from all the pain he was in. Kissing him goodbye brought back so many memories...

After All this Time... Listen to Your Heart...

After all the broken stones, that were thrown for no good reason,

Inside, she is loving him still, After all this time,
And though her heart bears the scars, no sign of healing,
It’s alright, she is loving him still, After all this time

Trying to push the past away,
Still waiting for the lights to change,
But she’ll try, try,
For the sake of their pride, pride,
Learning to barely feel the pain,
The thicker the skin the less the strain,
And though it’s really hurting, She ain’t breakin, breakin, breakin,
She is loving him still,
After all this time,

Now he knows, his weakness shows, selfish soul,
Never changing, but that’s fine,
Cos she’s loving him still, after all this time
And to the outside eye, you see a family getting by,
And it all seems perfect, and that’s how she wants it,
Cos she’s loving him still,
After all this time,

After all, after all, after all this time

Oh, bones, have to grow,
Age it shows, though we try and hide it,
Inside, she is loving him still, After all this time
And behind his tired eyes,
She sees the boy with his arms wide,
Who made her feel like an angel,

Oh that’s why… She is loving him still,
For the rest of her life,
She is loving him still,
For the last so many miles,
She is loving him still,
After all this time

I can't beleive how lucky i am now. I've got the two best guys in my life right now and i'm not gonna lose either of them. Being with Anthony has changed me i think. I think it's made me see that it is ok to love again and its worth taking the chance. Even though we are kinda complete opposites we repect our differences and support them. He's given me such a new relish for life just like the other guy in my life.
Paddy is my life saver. I think we both know that we are important to each other for we share the same knowledge that we bothe aren't supposed to be here now - He was going to be shot and me... well we all know. Whereas me and Ant are opposites me and Pad's are completely alike - we like speed, get bored of fox hunting, just enjoy being out on the hills alive and free, live for stag hunting, and we even have the same moods.
What is even more lucky is that i've got such a best mate too. She knows who she is and she's a star. We've been through it all and come out the other side but the main thing is we know each other and i really appreciate having her around so cheers hun!!!

free
when you're near me yeah
I'm free all the time
I just need you to hear me it's only you that makes me free
I'm not used to being loved, not me

open up the window just as the sun comes over the horizon
what a perfect moment trying to catch my breath
I find it so surprising who'd have guessed after all
that I'd be standing tall you make me feel

seem to exist with these chains around me
I thought that I was free
I never knew that's not an easy thing to be
it's just the way that your love surrounds me
who'd have guessed after all that I'd be standing tall
you make me feel free, when you're near me

this is for the three most important people/horse in my life

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear


So cheers guys...
--xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx--

She'll Never Be Me

There's a girl in the mirror
I wonder who she is
Sometimes I think I know her
Sometimes I really wish I did
There's a story in her eyes
Lullabies and goodbyes
When she's looking back at me
I can tell her heart is broken easily




Nothing seems to be the way
That it used to
Everything seems shallow
God give me truth
In me
And tell me somebody is watching
Over me
And that is all I'm praying is that

Someday I will understand
In God's whole plan
And what he's done to me
Oh but maybe
Someday I will breathe
And I'll finally see
I'll see it all in my baby

Don't you run too fast my dear
Why don't you stop?
Just stop and listen to your tears
They're all you've got
It's in you
You see somebody is watching
Over you
And that is all I'm praying is that

Someday you will understand
In God's whole plan
And what he does to you
Oh but maybe
Someday you will breathe
And you'll finally see
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby

No moment
Will be more true
Than the moment
I look at you



You know I'm one of a kind
There'll never be another me
Can't get me out of your mind
You're lost in your own fantasy
And when you look in my eyes
Is it hard for you to realize
She'll never be me

Step Inside the Real World

We play the game with determination
We don't give a dam 'bout our reputation baby
It's not a game, it's a revelation
Step inside the real world
The real world...yeah yeah yeah... The real world...yeah...

It's been every day now, and it just won't go away now...no
Life is so intense now, not much common sense now yeah
And late in the night I turn out my light yeah
A song in my head, and it says "STEP INSIDE THE REAL WORLD"

We play the game with determination
We don't give a damn 'bout our reputation baby
It's not a game, it's a revelation
Just another day in the real world...yeah, the real world

I can make decisions with no one else believin' me
I just look inside me 'cause I've got my own voice to guide me
It came in a dream, a light so extreme yeah
A voice in my head, and it says "STEP INSIDE THE REAL WORLD"

Ya gotta step inside the real world STEP-IN-SIDE-THE-REAL-WORLD
I woke from the dream, I know what it means yeah
That voice in my head...It says "YOU'RE HERE INSIDE THE REAL WORLD"

Step inside the real world, inside the real world, step inside the real world...

I've just been catching up on some racing i had taped that i missed when i was out hunting and i miss him so much. The tape i just watched had a tribute to dear old Roo (Rooster Booster) and it was all his wins and it also featured his cheltenham gold cup win, it will never leave me... the commenators were saying "what a horse" "I Can't beleive it" "That brave grey has just made mincemeat of all the best hurdlers in training"... i wish we could have him back again he was a true racehorse - not like Best Mate who only ran 18 races in his life, Roo ran 42 races most with top weights nearly all against the best, yet still he came out and battled his heart out, yet still he tried... But like his owner said "It's racing, he went doing what he loved. It's a great loss but you have to remember the good times, you have to battle on it's what he would have wanted..." I guess what he says is true but going past Hobbs this morning and watching the horses working on the gallops i just had too look away for he was no longer there, and it was the place where it all happened... And then i got asked if i was ok about it... no i'm not he was my hero the one that gave me hope and no one really seems to have acknowledged he's gone... I'll love you forever Roo....

This is for all my darlings now in Heaven's Herd...

It was the night Rod Stewart played
And we were, were standing in the pouring rain
If I had known it was the last time I would see you again...
I would change everything...

I look through the broken glass I watch the storm go through my mind
There's so much I had to say I know the words I left behind
And now I'm caught in a daydream with nowhere to run and hide
The world rushes by me, it's leaving me here all alone
(I would change everything, but I can't do anything
I would give all that I have to know where you are)

I'll always carry you inside my heart and you
You'll never know how much I wonder where you are
I always knew that you would take a part of me away with you
And I never got to say good-bye

I look in the mirror now and all I see is yesterday
At night I hear your voice and it is calling out my name
And with every hour just hold on to what you can
They're lost in a moment and fading away in the night
(I would change everything, but I can't do anything
I would give all that I have just to know where you are)

...and I never..ever...said good-bye...

That night is just a memory
But I still feel you standing next to me
And when I think I hear your voice all I hear is the rain...



For hearing all my doubts so selectively and
For continuing my numbing love endlessly.
For helping you and myself: not even considering
For beating myself up and over functioning.

To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one's been crueller than I've been to me.

For letting you decide if I indeed was desirable
For myself love being so embarrassingly conditional.
And for denying myself to somehow make us compatible
And for trying to fit a rectangle into a ball.

And
To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one's been crueller than I've been to me.

I'm sorry to myself.My apologies begin here before everybody else.
I'm sorry to myself.For treating me worse than I would anybody else.

For blaming myself for your unhappiness
And for my impatience when I was perfect where I was.
Ignoring all the signs that I was not ready,And expecting myself to be where you wanted me to be.

Well, I wonder which crime is the biggest ?
Forgetting you or forgetting myself...
Had I heeded the wisdom of the latter,I would've naturally loved the former.

For ignoring you: my highest voices.
For smiling when my strife was all too obvious.
For being so disassociated from my body,
And for not letting go when it would've been the kindest thing.