Life is a prison,Oh God let me out.No one to listen,To hear when you shout.Climb the walls of insanity,Ride the waves of despair.If you fall it don't matter,There's no one to care.Used to wish for a window,To see birds, trees and sky,But you're better without one -Stops you aiming too high.Watching freedom is painful,For those locked away.Seeing joy, love and happiness,Another price that you pay.Strong is good, weak is bad.Be it false, be it true.Your mind makes the choice,And enforces it too.Cell walls built by society,With rules to adhere.If you breach the acceptable,You had better beware.Hide the pain, carry on,Routine is the key.Don't let on that you're not,What you're pretending to be.Lock it all up inside you,How badly that bodes.Look out for that one day,When it all just explodes.Leaving naught but a shell,Base functionality too.But killing all else,That was uniquely you.So how do you grow,With a timebomb inside?Or how to defuse it,Without destroying its ride?You can't.

No one is happy all of the time, but some people feel as if they can never find happiness. Some people feel as if their entire life is devoted to nothing but pain and hurt and loneliness. Every day is a struggle, and every breath a fight for survival. These people have a deep understanding of the word Depression.

Can't you see? Don't you careI want to die?Don't you listen? Can't you hearMy silent cry?
Won't you turn? Can't you holdMe to your heart?Are you afraid of what might followOnce you start?
Would you rather not believeI'm in such painThat all your sense and good adviceMust be in vain?
Would you rather tell yourselfI'll be OK,And all this adolescent angstWill go away?
Ah! Would I also swim acrossThis lake alone!But if you cannot swim with me,I know I'll drown.

mayb l8r bt we'll ave 2 c


Though I chose death instead of pointless pain,Please forgive the manner of my leaving.My love and need for all of you remain.
I could not long such suffering sustain,Nor would it long have held you from your grieving.Though I chose death instead of pointless pain,
I hope that choice will not my memory stain,Nor lead you to be wroth at my deceiving.My love and need for all of you remain.
For only in you do I live again,Woven like a wind into your weaving.Though I chose death instead of pointless pain,
I put to you the plea of the self-slain:To comprehend an anguish past conceiving.My love and need for all of you remain
That all that I have been not be in vain,But blend into the earth of your believing.Though I chose death instead of pointless pain,My love and need for all of you remain.

I need to say goodbye although you're with me.I stand beside your grave, yet you are here.I miss you terribly and hope you miss me,But when I turn to you, you're always near.I talk to you as though you lived within me,Not changed but simply moved in from outside.I know each day you must a little leave me,But here, as always, you must be my guide.You were and are and will be, just as ever,In many minds and hearts, not only mine.No physical event can such love sever;Death is a dimension, not a line.And so goodbye does not mean you are gone:So long as I still love you, you live on.

I want you to be happy when I'm gone.When you mourn me, make your mourning bright,Adjusting what you long for to the light.Nor need you love the less what has passed on.The art of memory is celebration,Yearning that turns sorrow into song,Opening a heart forever youngUpon the unmade bed of its creation.Then celebrate my life, and also death,On which I, like a mendicant, depend,Begging that my suffering might endEven as I fight for every breath.Hold onto me with unresentful tears,A testament to what we've learned of love,Pleased again to move as your heart moves,Partaking with no loss in passion ofYears as rich and full as were our years.

You told me in a dream you always loved me.I wept with joy at what with joy you said.My sadness was not there. It was so lovely.And with you was my darling, also dead.The sky was with an early sunrise burning,Yet still with ample darkness for the moon,Which held the secret of its youthful yearningAlthough it knew that it would vanish soon.How wonderful, I thought, at last to hear youSay what I had known but never heard!Abandoned, I have long longed to be near youAnd find my long-lost refuge in a word.I saw the truth of it within your eyesAnd blessed the dream that ends but never dies.

Dying on the Inside..

i want out and i want out now
nothing more nothing less
there's nothing left to live for nothing left to do
i've had enough
enough of certain people
enough of all the guilt, grieving and my broken promise to Toy
for three years ive kept it all inside
now its starting to show
apparently people can see it in my eyes (or so i was told earlier)
i want to be able to set myself free
life is such a bitch why wont it let me go?
i dont care how many tell me that there is a god - there isnt. cos if there was then ive said a million desperate prayers asking him to get me out of here and he hasnt. so he cant be real. Or if he is he aint the good guy cos he's making me suffer down here and i thought he was supposed to releive the suffering?
No matter what reckless thing i do, no matter what risk i take, i always come out on the other side in one piece. i expect if i jumped off the highest building in the world then id probably land on safely - thats how unfair and fucked up this whole fucking cruel world is.

My Guardian Angel

If only she hadn't gone...If only I could go...

Cavi Bear

Isn't he one of the most gorgeous things on this Earth?!

If only it was... Just another 24 hours...If only...

Been given 24 hours

To tie up loose ends

To make amends

His eyes said it all

I started to fall

And the silence deafened

Head spinning round

No time to sit down

Just wanted to

Run and run and run

Be careful they say

Don't wish life away,

Now I've one day

And I can't believe

How I've been wasting my time

In 24 hours they'll be

Laying flowers

On my life, it's over tonight

I'm not messing no I

Need your blessing

And your promise to live free

Please do it for me

Is there a heaven a hell

And will I come back

Who can tell

Now I can see

What matters to me

It's as clear as crystal

The places I've been

The people I've seen

Plans that I made

Start to fade

The sun's setting gold

Thought I would grow old,

It wasn't to be

And I can't believe

How I've been wasting my time

In 18 hours they'll be

Laying flowers

On my life, it's over tonight

I'm not messing no I

Need your blessing

And your promise to live free

Please do it for me

In 13 hours they'll be

Laying flowers

On my life, it's over tonight

I'm not messing no I

Need your blessing

And your promise to live free

Please do it for me

I'm not alone, I sense it, I sense it

All that I said, I meant it, I meant it

And I can't believe

How much I've wasted my time

In just 8 hours they'll be

Laying flowers

On my life, it's over tonight

I'm not messing no I

Need your blessing

And your promise to live free

Please do it for me

In just 1 hour they'll be

Laying flowers

On my life, it's over tonight

I'm not messing no I

Need your blessing

And your promise to live free

Please do it for me

If only it was just another 24 hours to go. Then i would only have another day until i could go home. I no longer fear death - for there are worse things in life to fear - i guess i've found out the hard way.

Its quite funny, when i was little i was terrified of dying, it seemed such a scary thing being up there on your own. But now i know you dont go 'up there' - you stay where your heart belongs and mine belongs to the quantocks. And i won't be alone for Toy's up there waiting. And she isn't alone for she would have found her lost foal. Star will join us to when her time comes.

I long to feel loved and i long for the comfort.

Its so hard to keep it all in. I don't want my friends to think i'm mad or attention seeking. I just want to stand and scream it all out, scream my anger, scream my guilt, scream my loss.

This is for Toy:

I wish this could be

a happy song

But my happiness disappeared

the moment you were gone

Don't think that i ever beleived that

that day would come

Now all i'm feeling

is lost and numb

And ohhh i know i promised

Mmmm that i would try

But i, yes i, miss you

and it's killing inside

I'll always be thankful

for the time we had

We were blessed

I should celebrate

but i feel too sad

All the wonderful memories

just make me fall apart

And it feels like somebody's

stabbed me in my heart

And ohh i know i promised

Mmmm that i wouldn't cry

But i, yes i, miss you

and its killing inside

Ooh well i, yes i, miss you

want you by my side

I wish this could be

a happy song

But my happiness disappeared

the moment you were gone

Tell me it's not happening

Say it's not as it seems

Tell me that i'm gonna wake up

It's just a bad dream

Please tell me that it's fiction

Tell me it's just a lie

Whatever you choose to tell me

Please say SHE didn't die

And i, yes i, miss you

and it's killing inside

Ooh i, yes i, miss you

want you by my side

Ooh well i, miss you

want you by my side

Back here by my side

Here by my side

If only we could...Live Twice...

"Live Twice"
Don't leave now
Not yet
There were time we regret
And I'm sorry
SomehowI only
Wanted to make you proud

If I could only let you know
I'd give up everything I own
For just one more day with you
There's nothing I wouldn't do
I could not let it pass me by
If I make every sacrifice
To bring me back your love
If only we could live twice
If only we could live twice

When you told me
I froze
It still echoes
In my soul
Please forgive me
If I didn't say
I love you
Every single day

If I could only let you know
I'd give up everything I own
For just one more day with you
There's nothing I wouldn't do
I could not let it pass me by
If I make every sacrifice
To bring me back your love
If only we could live twice
If only we could live twice

Nobody told me we'd only get one chance
I didn't know that our tide would turn so fast
Why we have to say goodbye
I don't understand

If I could only let you know
I'd give up everything I own
For just one more day with you
There's nothing I wouldn't do
I could not let it pass me by
If I make every sacrifice
To bring me back your love
If only we could live twice
I could not let it pass me by
Nothing I give to sacrifice
To bring me back your love
If only we could live twice
If only we could live twice

We'll meet in another life
If only we could live twice

Sick to Death of Living any longer...

For all the people with the broken hearts... I suggest you guys stay strong because that special someone is waiting for you. Don't give up my friend~~

how do i keep going, how do i move on?
how do i keep smiling, how do i stay strong?
how long will this last, how soon will this end?
how will i know if i'm your love, or only a friend?
how do i know if you're really the one?
when will this stop being painful, and start being fun?
how do i forget all the memories we've shared?
how do i forget all the times you said you cared?
how does my heart mend itself? how do i live without you?
how do i get past this? how will i make it through?
how do i get up and walk away, leaving you behind?
how do i find someone else to get you off my mind?
how can i forget you, right here, right now?
how do i stop loving you? please tell me...how??

As I walk all alone
I don't know what to do
I felt so much better
When I had you.
I thought we'd be together
I guess I was wrong
But still day by day
My love is just as strong.
I need you now
I need you forever
But most of all
I need us together.

People should not give their hearts to someone who doesn't feel the same way as you do. Don't say you love a person when you don't love them. Maybe it's just a word but it has a lifetime meaning behind it!! Be wise when you choose someone to let into your heart. Don't believe everything people say, if you do you'll end up like me... alone and heartbroken and all you'll be able to think about is that one person- so how will you be able to move on?

Something hit me head-on today,
Something I've always known;
Something deep inside my heart,
but sadly, I've hardly shown.
I've hurt you time & time again,
Unfortunantly broke your heart;
I know you're wondering why
We're sometimes worlds apart.
I show my love differently;
I hide it from you.
Why, you ask,
Do I do what I do?
It's because we're somewhat different,
In many more ways than one,
But somehow our love keeps growing;
It's only just begun.
We are in love-You & I,
and we'll make it through,
Somehow, someday,
Just me and you.
I know I make mistakes
and you wonder why I do.
It's not because I hate you;
It's because I'm in love with you.

Don't be afraid to love but also- don't be afraid to let go.

As I sit here and try to write,
The day slips softly into night.
It seems I can never find the words,
I never know where to start.
It's impossible to express the feelings,
I have for you in my heart.
I can tell you I dream of you,
you invade my thoughts all day,
But when I try to tell you how I feel.
I can never find a way.
Just words can't make you understand,
Or make you realize.
I have to hold you in my arms,
And look into your eyes.
I have to whisper, "I love you,"
And kiss your sweet lips.
I have to caress your face,
And let you feel my fingertips.
I could never tell you with words,
Although I've often tried,
Just how much I Love You,
Or how I feel inside.
You have to feel my heartbeat,
You have to feel my touch,
Because I can always tell you- I Love You,
...But I can't make you feel how much!!

You entered into my life
when I least expected it.
I thought of giving up hope,
But you were there to help me cope.
You pulled me through
the good times and the bad.
I feel no need to be sad.
You're here and it makes me glad.
I now know the meaning of love
and it soars like two white doves.
I too, will be here for you.
My feelings are as true
as the skies are blue.

The one thing I cared about
Was taken from me today.
I acted like it didn't matter
That she took your heart away.
It hurts me so bad
You don't even know...
The only thing left now
Is me letting go…
I’m going to miss you...
All the times we shared,
All the words you said
That told me you cared.
If I told you I’m happy
You’d know I’d be lying...
But one thing's for sure,
I know I’m done crying.
Things will be okay,
At least on your part.
I know I’ll be all right
When I piece together my heart.
It’s killing me inside,
But that you'll never know
And it will hurt even more
To have to let you go.
I’m letting you go, knowing
That our "friendship" won't end.
I’m letting so much go-
Including my best friend.
I know I deserve
To know how it feels to wait
I made you wait a long, long time
And now I’m just too late....

Does love really last
Always and forever?
You said it does
But, we're not together...
Did I say something wrong,
What did I do?
You told me I was perfect
But, I'm not with you...
I have someone else, now
Who treats me like gold.
So, it's in with the new
And out with the old.
So, I'm saying 'goodbye'
Now and forever.
But, one last time
I wish we were together...
I'm letting you go
Maybe I'll see you around.
But, as for now
He's picking me up off the ground...
He makes me so happy
Just being by my side.
And now the only tears...
Fall on the inside.

Reaching Out... Holding On...

I lie here thinking of you,
thinking of your eyes,
thinking of your smile,
tossing and turning,
I cannot sleep,
my life without you wouldn't be complete.
I love you so much,
your kiss and touch.
They say love never lasts,
but I'm gunna' change what's happened in the past.
Between me and you, love will last,...
Nothing can change that.
As I lie here thinking of you,
as I think of your eyes,
as I think of your smile,
as I toss and turn, I cannot sleep,
I wonder how my life would be,
if we were never to meet?

Despite the darkness that surrounds me
I always see a light–
A star, directly above,
Glittering and shining bright.
It reminds me of your smile
Which would always brighten my day.
I can only picture your face
As you live thousands of miles away.
So, every time I need you
I look up to the sky,
Searching for that star
That reminds me of your smile.
When I see that star
I hear you whisper in my ear,
"Remember, I promised you
I’ll always be there."
Then I can smile
Even though we’re far apart,
Because I know you’re here with me
And I’m forever in your heart.

Why??
Staring through a window
To a cold and lonely street,
Thinking of the one I care for so
But never had the chance to meet.
A question runs through my mind
But I'm scared of asking you , maybe you will laugh.
Or will I lose what I did find? But tell me,
Why do people fall in love with someone they can never have?

All this pain I'm feeling
won't go away
I don't know how to stop it
I don't know what to say.
All this hurt I am causing
is breaking me in two
I don't know why I'm doing it
...especially to you.
I feel like I'm being torn
in two different ways
and every time I'm with you
it breaks my heart more each day.
I look into your eyes
to see the love they hold
I look for the answers
that are never told.
I wish this wasn't so hard
telling my feelings to you
but I don't know how you'd react,
I don't know what you'd do.
I'm sorry about all of this
all the pain I've put you through
I wish I could tell you my feelings
I only wish you knew.

Why did my heart ache inside
when you said we were through?
Why does it hurt so bad, when
it was the right thing to do?
Why do I cry at night?
Why does everything come to an end?
It's because I know we were meant to be
and my love has grown within.
I know we've been seperated for sometime
And it's hard to comprehend,
Because, when you said GOOD-BYE,
my life came to an end.
An end to love, an end to life
An end to my world.
You told me once
and I won't believe...
GOOD-BYES are always for good.

Every night I lie awake and thank God for bringing you to me,
I know that this love is special, and that we were meant to be.
I wake up in the morning and cannot wait to see your face;
you greet me with such love and hold me in a tight embrace.
I feel your heart racing when you pull me close,
my heart is beating louder than you will ever know.
When we talk on the phone and when we are alone,
you say the sweetest things that I have ever known.
You gently stroke my face and tenderly kiss my lips,
to feel you next to me is pure bliss.
My love for you will never grow old;
my heart will never grow cold.
I promise you, Baby,
that I will always love you and hold you tight,
be there when it grows cold,
and you need to be held throughout the night.
When you are in my arms and I feel you pulling me near,
my heart does a somersault around in the air.
Being with you my life feels complete,
butterflies flutter around in my stomach, and I feel quite weak.
I have told you things that no one else knows,
and let you in places that no one else goes.
I love you more than anything,
I hope that you can see and believe me
when I say that God sent you to me.
Our first kiss belongs in a box;
I want to show my kids one day,
that what we have is much more than words can ever say.
When I look down and see your hand in mine,
a certain rush comes over me and I feel as if
I am forever lost in time.
When I see you sleeping, the universe is put on hold;
I watch your handsome face, and know I will never let you grow cold.
When I am with you I feel alive,
a sense of utter completeness washes over me,
to my happiness you are the key.
I will never let this magical love that we share slip away,
my heart tells me that this is right, I am here to stay.
I desire to be with you for the rest of my life,
as I have prayed for someone like you,
and finally my wish has come true.
To Alex, my one and only.

When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever the years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder, thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.
The dew of the morning
Sunk, chill on my brow,
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame;
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.
They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me...
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well..
Long, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.
In secret we met
In silence I grieve
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?
With silence and tears.

If it were up to me
I'd be back in your arms
feeling safe and secure
protected from all harm.
But it's not my decision
it's all up to you
I can't change your mind
or tell you what to do.
You know I want you back
just look into my eyes
they reveal how I feel
and how hard I will try.
I do not give up that easily
as you have seen in the past
but I will not drive you crazy
you will not be harassed.
I know when to stop
I can tell when enough has been done
and if you become upset
I know it's time to move on.
But until that day comes
I'm right by your side
with or without you
no matter what you decide.

Don't lose what you love and make sure you don't love what you know you'll lose.

Scars and Wounds that Never Heal

Its funny how you just think you are getting over something when it all comes flooding back and hits home once again.
I thought i was getting over Jas, I still loved him for i always will, but the need to be with him, speak to him or even see him wasn't so great as it was, in fact it didn't worry me in the slightest. Then today when i was packing for work experiance i found something. Its going to sound sooooo stupid! But i found a screwed up T-shirt in the back of my wardrobe (must have just got chucked there in one of my mad five minutes) but anyway, i realised that i had last worn it in bed with Jas (no comments guys!!) and of course as it had been forgotten about it hadn't been washed and it really smelt strongly of him! (Not a yucky BO smell or anything but just his normal personal smell kinda thing if you get what i mean!) So i miss him all over again, i keep wondering what he's doing (what we might be doing if we hadn't split), i'm desperate to hear from him and to see his face. At the mo its under my pillow as a sort of comforter thing!!!!
Its strange no matter how many guys flirt with you, chat you up, go out with, say they love you you never hear it from the person you want to hear it from the most. You can have any guy except the one you want. Ain't life a complete and utter bitch?
Mel J is shit stirring again as per usual. Apparently she's telling everyone how she thinks that there's summat going on between me and chris (which could never happen anyway - we've been friends too long) so that doesn't really help things does it? Can't she just leave me alone? She's hurt me as much as she can by taking Jas away, isn't that enough?
I'm going to May's tomorrow. At least i can forget about everything and turn my back on my life here and be free for a whole week. You never know i might not come back home at all but thats just too much to ask for i suppose, cos if you want out, you have to get out by yourself.

Loving Memories: The Grieving Process
What a wonderful responsibility we take on when we bring a pet into our lives. With the help and guidance from veterinarians, we provide a loving, safe and healthy environment for our pets who share everything with us. Pets see us through marriages, divorces, and the birth of children. Pets endure separation and welcome us back as if we. d been away forever. They are the best pals we have for accepting us as we are.
But one day, that constant will become one of our losses. And when the kind face and acceptance we used to turn to is gone, where do we go for comfort?
One of the most difficult and important parts of grief and loss is seeking to understand what has happened and that what you are feeling is all right. Your sense of loss may encompass your life and that is all right. You have that right to grieve and you can take as much time as you need. In a busy and demanding world, the trick is to take the time.
There are many stage of grief, and none of them are absolute. Time frames vary from person to person. Generally, the stages include:
1. Shock/disbelief/denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining (often with God)
4. Depression
5. Acceptance/resolution/recovery
Ideally these sages are supposed to progress from stages one through five in predictable fashion. But often this just doesn't. t happen. Many don. t go through all of the stages, and almost everyone will be thrown back into and out of these stages before the healing truly begins. You may find yourself very close to resolution when a memory or anniversary of your pet. s passing knocks you back into the anger or denial stage. Not only is this understandable but it is also a fact of life. Give yourself time.

Suggestions for Coping with Pet Loss
Take care of your body. The body is the container of the mind which is now feeling intense emotion. Nurturing it in the following ways will ease your grieving process. *Nutrition: eat healthy meals even if your appetite is reduced. *Sleep: be sure to get at least 5-8 hours daily, no more, no less. *Exercise: even walking will help your mood in this difficult time.
Talk to people who can empathize with your grief. Consistent interaction and sharing with those you feel comfortable around will be most beneficial.
Maintain structure in your life by continuing to do the activities you did before the loss, with the exception of those you did with or for your pet. Do not allow this major disruption to snowball into every aspect of your life. Structure will help your regain your bearings.
Perform a ritual when you feel the time is right. Some have funerals at a pet cemetery or memorials with friends and family. Others may create a small shrine for a brief time.
Allow yourself to feel sadness and loss. Grief is a normal response to a normal occurrence, yet each person goes through it differently. If you feel as though you cannot recover, or it you have thoughts of self-harm, contact a mental health professional immediately.

Broken hearts never mend
only for certain reasons
you don't need me
love's sea
is getting shallow
I can see it in front of you
there's nothing for me to see here
it is clear
and is showing
Never knew that falling apart was more than pain
loneliness has rung the doorbell
the whole world makes me plain
like white paint on a flat wall

At the beginning our relationship was great, we were always together hand in hand... I loved him sooo much. I knew I could never love another the way I loved him. I wanted to be with him forever but I guess forever was too long for him…He didn't really give me a reason why he dumped me. All he could say was "I'm sorry"... I was so mad. I cried for a while thinking, what did I do to deserve this. I gave him my all. He had my heart, body, and soul but I guess to him that wasn't enough...I still love him with all my heart. I wish, someday, he would realize that no other girl could love him the way I do and always will...

How do you repair a heart that's broken?
How do you heal the wounds?
How do you ever trust another?
How do you love so soon?
You left me asking these questions,
You left me alone to wonder.
How could I know you'd leave me,
And break the spell I'm under?
We had a love like fairy tales-
Prince Charming on one knee.
I thought I was your Cinderella,
But I was too blind to see.
The love you had came from another,
Someone I'm afraid to know.
So now I hide within myself,
So my pain-filled eyes won't show.
You've made it hard to trust another,
Making sure no paths are crossed.
Since you never knew what you had,
You'll never know now what you've lost!
My heart was all for giving,
But all you did was take.
I know one day I'll love again,
And learn from my mistakes.

I sit here...
Thinking of you
Thinking about the memories we shared
I miss them and I miss you
Since the moment you said good-bye
I haven’t been the same
Something’s been missing...
It's my smile
People began to feel sorry for me
They would be afraid to laugh
Their smiles began to fade along with mine.
So, now this smile I wear
I wear it every day
Taking it off only
When I'm in my room at night
Then I let it all out
My pillow is wet from the tears
I lie there until I fall asleep
I just need you to hold me tight
I need to hear you say
Those sweet words to me just once more
So I can take you in my arms
And hold onto you forever...
I wish I could just leave
The fake smile at home
So they would all realize
My suffering isn't over
My heart is still broken
Into a million pieces
At the bottom of my soul
I wish they knew
So I could have some comfort
So they could tell me
It's going to be all right.
My life without you
Has been so unbearable to live
And I hate every second I breathe
Because it just proves
I can live without you...
Only God knows
How much I miss you
He only knows how much I cry
With every tear that falls
My heart gets weaker
And my hope for 'us' fades.
I had so much faith in our love
I thought that it alone
Could get us through anything
People say time heals the hurt
But if they lost someone like you
They would know- it isn't true
You tried to tell me things will get easier
With every day that goes by
I hate it when I get asked
How we're doing
I hate to disappoint them
And tell them
We exist no longer...
Please tell me this isn't what you wanted
Please tell me what I feel is real
Good-byes don't have to last forever
Because I know...
We were meant to be together

As I look at the stars tonight

I wonder where you are

And if you are alright

I try not to think about you and what we had

'Cause when I do, it only makes me sad

I don’t know why I can’t let my memories of you go

I guess that’s why I carry such a deep love

For you within my soul

I know you don’t love me and haven’t for some time

I just wish I could set these feeling for you free

And finally clear you from my mind

I have no harsh feeling towards you

But I’ve bottled up lots of regrets

Because of things I did do

And that’s something I’ll never forget

But you can’t turn back the hands of time

If only I could be loved like I was back then

I wish I could fill this void in my life

And the pain in my heart- it cuts me like a knife

And rips my world apart

My tears fall gently through the night

But through the day I pretend everything is alright

I’ve tried to love someone else

But my heart won’t allow me to

'Cause when I’m with him

All my thoughts go back to you

I wonder how our lives would have been

If things had turned out better

Knowing I would have you now

If you had never met 'her'

And I guess that’s something you couldn’t forget

We had our problems but...

That’s something every relationship goes through

But you wouldn’t even give me a chance

To try and work things out with you

I know we could have worked things out

But you wouldn’t try

And you would always get mad when

I would start to cry

You told me you loved me the night you left

When I closed the door

Then you called me the next day

And said you didn’t love me anymore

I just hope you are happy

And have all the love you’ll ever need

But, if you’re not and you need someone to love you

Then just come back to me

Because I’m not the same person I was,

I’ve changed But my love for you... is still the same

I miss your smile, I miss your face
Your touch, your laugh, your warm embrace
I miss your body pressed against mine
everything we had has all faded with time
I miss every sacred kiss right up to the last
It hurts inside real bad
Knowing it's all memories of my past
I miss the way you used to gaze deep into my eyes
How you read me inside and out
Even heard my silent cries
I miss the way you loved me
'Til the time you raised your hand
How can you physically hurt someone you love
I'll never understand
I miss you being with me
I can't take it that we're apart
My brain can understand
But I can't get it through my heart
I miss everything about you
From your cute little head right down to ur toes
I know I shouldn't want you
But my heart won't let you go...
I miss you

I don't know what to do
I'm stuck between what's wrong and right
All I can do
Is cry at night
I try to talk
But no words come out
When I do speak
I just shout
I shout at the top of my lungs
For anyone to hear
I just want someone,
Someone to care
I'm tired of being lonely
I'm tired of keeping it all in
I need someone to make me smile
Someone to make me grin
I'm a scared and hurt girl
Who has stories to tell
I would tell them
But I don't want you to yell
I've made some mistakes
And ruined my life
I'll never be the same
I'll still feel the cut like from a knife
Why I had to do it
And ruin my dreams...
I'll never know
But I'm all alone now in this world it seems...

why did you hurt me?
why did you go and leave?
why did you say those things,
that you really didn't mean?
why do i still love you?
why can't i let you go?
why don't i see u left me to be,
without you on my own?
why do i want you back?
you don't deserve what i have,
why do i always think about,
what me and you had?
why am i here still crying?
my love for you is not yet dying,
why won't you come back to me,
and be the guy that i need?

Don't fall for someone who doesn't love you back.Hold on to what you have because if there's one thing I know... you don't know what you have till you loose it- and I lost it.

I sit here all alone.Trying to think of words to say to you.Trying to figure out.If you still think of me too.I held in my emotions.Tried not to let you see.Because I was hurting so much.I wanted you to be with me.We laughed at the stories we told.I felt so happy because you were there.Then I started to remember.All the memories we shared.My eyes filled with tears.I tried not to let you see.I didn't want you to feel bad.I didn't want you to pity me.

it was a foolish move on my part
reaching for you
seeing you again brought the emotions
pouring... ever alive
the smile.... yes, i saw the light in your eyes
yes, i saw the way you looked up-
surprised
but it was a foolish move on my part
exposing again the love
that brought such pain.
oh, but the smile in your eyes
it was worth the wait, the risk
of the desire to stay with you
but it was a foolish move on my part
... what a foolish heart

If it were up to me
I'd be back in your arms
feeling safe and secure
protected from all harm.
But it's not my decision
it's all up to you
I can't change your mind
or tell you what to do.
You know I want you back
just look into my eyes
they reveal how I feel
and how hard I will try.
I do not give up that easily
as you have seen in the past
but I will not drive you crazy
you will not be harassed.
I know when to stop
I can tell when enough has been done
and if you become upset
I know it's time to move on.
But until that day comes
I'm right by your side
with or without you
no matter what you decide.

Make sure you're with the right person before you do anything else. Be careful; don't let your heart get broken... like I did!

I sit here and wonder,
How it could be.
If you never left,
And were still here with me.
My life wouldn't be a mess,
It would be in one piece.
I wouldn't have all these emotions,
That I need to release.
I'd be in your arms,
Right about now.
So no one could harm
Neither you nor I.
You were my savior,
And heavens above.
I'd be feeling you,
And all of your love.
But I guess this can't be,
I mean...
You are there,
I am here.
You love her,
And don't love me.

When a tear runs down my check
It cools the pain and makes me weak
I thought of the love we had
And all it does is makes me mad
About how you left me and never came back
But I know where we messed up, where we lack
You said, "This will hurt me
more than it will hurt you!"
And now I know that is not true
It hurts me more, this I know
Because I found out
that the love you had for me was all a show
Why didn't you care?
I thought you loved me, but it just wasn't there
You found the shape of my heart
How dare you tear it apart?
A joke, you never thought it would go this far
But your love hit me hard,
just like a truck or a car
I hope you read this poem someday
And figure out the love you had that you threw away
You will never have me to love again
I thought this was the beginning,
but now it's the end
The pain is gone, this is true
You played with love,
and now love will play with you

If he tells YOUR friends he likes you and tells HIS friends he doesn't like you... don't waste your time!!

Facing the world alone

I wouldn't mind feeling it again, the first time i fell in love. Everyone has her own story, and everyone loses it somewhere down the line in the bottom of a drawer along with several broken keychains. Hard to beleive that it once was the pulsating centre of the known universe, your love, and the energy flew off it like those eruptions on the surface of the sun, spurting thousands of miles into space. But that was so long ago.
There remain buried bits of concrete evidence that i lived such a life, and with a little amateur archeology, i can find what is left after the rains of time have expunged the mass of it.
That is what is left of it all. Of the desire and the drive, of the longing and the dreaming, the months and years in thrall to an animal, such as THE HORSE.
Finding someone to talk to. Do you know what a desperate, aching quest this can be? We are pack animals, like our friends the dogs, and the feeling of being alone is etched into our DNA as a warning of the highest urgency: DO NOT STAY HERE. We scramble and scratch the paint off the door, whining as if our hearts were breaking, which they are. Trying to get wawy from the feeling of being alone in a world full of people.
Its hard to remember that there was someplace better, and there was someone who understood, even though it was an animal that did not speak our language, but rather a superior, deeper one. And then an image of a horse struck my eyes. In it was something that vibrated below the level of hearing, below that of thought. Here was something that could bear me away, and all the outcasts who could find no one to talk to.
They are a stirringly impossible mixture of power and delicacy, size and fragility. They inspire fear even though they are filled with it themselves. They are wild and yet utterly tameable. The fluttering of sensitive ears and nostrils; the artistic curve of the neck and the drapery of the mane; the quickness, the dance; the eyes - great pools of assessment and expression. They are framed with lovely lashes. Best, the eyes call silently. They observe when we want nothing more than to be seen.
So now we are gripped by the desire to get nearer, and it is a desire that is more like a need. Up close we will find more: the large veins roaming over the fine bones of the face, the muzzle like velvet, the transporting scent of sweetness blown through the nostrils. And we talk to the horse, who seems to listen. At least HE doesn't say no.
"Thou shalt fly without wings" The human heart, too, flies on viewing its divine compassion, in awe of this great gift of power so freely given. Tears fall at the sight of such grace.
There is more. Another motif, another part of what we might call the truth. There is the underpriveliged girl for whom HORSES REPRESENT AN UNATTAINABLE, ENTICING DREAM OF FREEDOM, LOVE AND BEAUTY.
There's the cliche - girls and horses, eh? Wink, wink - and then there's the anticliche cliche - no, its really about little girls empowering themselves. You know, they get to steer around thousand pound animals and FEEL ON TOP OF THINGS FOR A CHANGE.
Horses bear freedom titles such as "spirits of the mist".
Looking deep into the eyes of such a sensitive yet loving creature is like seeing something inside yourself - A YEARNING TO BE UNDERSTOOD, A WANTING TO BE REALIZED AS AN INDIVIDUAL, reflecting back in THEIR eyes.
Flying along the earth is a simple pleasure, irreducible without peer, magnetic for that simplicity. To borrow the power of another to acheive something so near to pure freedom - without its becoming final death - is an intoxication.
That's how it all happens, all at once when you don't even want new sight, never asked for it. You can try to push it back to where it came from, but it won't go. And that's how it is, simple and clean.
There are those who must be with horses. They will do anything to be with horses. I am this way. Going through a typically rough adolescence, horses become a buffer to the crashing waves of emotions. To ride off into the hills, bareback, on a creature so close to your heart is a way in which to escape the cruelties of this world. How many times i have done this to cry or think about some deep problem i do not know.
Nothing resembles being in tune with a horse; it's one of lives greatest pleasures. A horse NEVER disappoints. No matter how tough a day you may have had, no matter what problems you think you have, go out and see a horse, any horse, and you cares will vanish.
"No matter what happens that bay mare is there for me"
I always feel good when i am with horses. No matter how tough the day, even very sad, when i am riding all the world goes away.
"A horse is a girl's best friend. So is her mother. They've both been ther for me, carrying me on their backs. I look at them now with aching love. I cannot bear to lose them, but i have and will. They have left and are leaving me"
In acknowledgement of a loving hand, the horse does return at least tenfold to her mistress that which she craves: the banishment of melancholy, that dark demon which occasionally haunts even the most joyous of life, which is overcome and driven back to the dark shades from whence it came. When assailed by sorrow real or fancied, turn to this true, willing friend, whose affectionate neigh of greeting as you approach, and whose pretty little graceful arts, will tend to dispel your gloom, and, once in the saddle, speeding along through the freshening air, fancied griefs are soon forgotton, while strength and nerve are gained to face those troubles of a more serious nature, whose existence cannot be ignored.
"Horses are my gin and therapy"
There is the intoxicating sense of power: Give the sign, and off you go; the wind comes up as if you had willed it to blow, while a powerful being who respects your command enought to run without having any other reason to do so pumps so rhythmically beneath you, it is possible to beleive you are not two but one. There is the gift of concentration and enlightenment - pay attention to wahts around you, what you are doing with body, mind, breath, or else - force you to inhabit the here and the now. There is someone to talk to any hour.
A psycholigist who has studied bereavement in those who have lost horses calls it a symbiotic "partnership relationship" that is marked by "mutual trust, intuitive understanding, and task orientated alliance."
Thus i am connected forever to the child i was; the moment in which i first felt love has been preserved intact inside the pain of learning that it also presumes some loss. Or else it could not matter so much you would give anything, anything, to it. The creature i have become is contained in the craeture i was, and a double strand of longing has been braided into one. For the horse is nothing if not the very emblem of desire, the promise of satiety to the perpetually famished. She stands at the crest of our dreams, proud and noble, since we have no other words by which to call it. And she stands close when we wake, right at the ends of our fingers and their hunger for just this sensation, no ther. Anyway, she stands. Always Other, always somehow resoloutely irreducible; there and not there.
The woman with the horse is the completion of the girl with the desire for the horse. The picture is titled hope - sentimental, to be sure, but precise. In it the big bay mare turns around to look at the person whose hand rests upon her back. Their eyes have met and hold. It is about both past and future, what has been and what could still be. And about the closing of distance. It seems to say: The horse will speak for us, through being voiceless. In turn we must utter paryers for them.

Your suffering shall end soon,

though mine has just begun.

I do not want to let you go,

but i'm told the time has come.

I'll hold you while you go to sleep,

and wish that i could too -

I do not want to say goodbye;

i want to go with you.

I'll think how very blessed i've been

for all the years we've shared,

I'd not trade them for a thing -

though this heartbreak would be spared.

What a complete shame i have to miss our YFC meeting on saturday. I used to suffer from extreme pain when my iron levels got very low (which the Dr's first linked to being on my periods) and the pain was so deep that it caused me just to fall on the ground and want to sleep no matter where i was. my MEF's were supposed to help with this but they aren't having much effect any longer and i'm now having the same pain at different times. So on Saturday afternoon i have to go to the doctors so im not going to have my wits if i go to the meeting. So im not going for i want to tell certain people some hometruths about their selfishness and petiness. And i want the satisfaction of wiping the smirks off of their faces.

If only some of them could read this!!! I wish they would! Maybe they would realise some things. But then again i doubt not.

Other than that thoughts and feelings are still the same

"horses are individuals and unless we understand the individual we cannot expect the individual to understand us"

sorry i just love that quote!!

Wild Horses and Dreams

wild horses and dreams

I feel these four walls closing in
Face up against the glass
I'm looking out
Is this my life im wondering
It happened so fast
How do i turn this thing around?

Is this the bed I chose to make?
Theres greener pastures
I'm thinking about
Wide open spaces far away

All i want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but not feel scared

Wild horses i want to be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish i could recklessly love
Like i'm longing to...
I wanna run with the wild horses...
Run with the wild horses

I see the girl i wanna be
Riding bareback carefree along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping headfirst, headlong
Without a thought

To act and damn the consequence
How i wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free

All i want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but not feel scared

Wild horses i wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish i could recklessly love
Like i'm longing to...
I wanna run with the wild horses...
Run with the wild horses

I wanna run too
Recklessly abandoning myself before you
I wanna open up my heart
Tell you how i feel

Wild horses i wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the win
I'll run free too
Wish i could recklessly love
Like i'm longing to...
I wanna run with the wild horses...
Run with the wild horses

Run with the wild horses
Run
I wanna run with the wild horses

Everybody

When your day is long
And the night
The night is yours alone
When you're sure you've had enough of this life
Well hang on
Don't let yourself go
Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts
Sometimes
Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it's time to sing along (When your day is night alone)
Hold on, hold on (If you feel like letting go)
Hold on
If you think you've had too much of this life
Well hang on
Cause everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts
Don't throw your hand
Oh, no Don't throw your hand
When you feel like you're alone
No, no, no, you're not alone
If you're on your own
In this life
The days and nights are long
When you think you've had too much
Of this life
To hang on
Well, everybody hurts
Sometimes, everybody cries
And everybody hurts
Sometimes
And everybody hurts
Sometimes
So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on
(Everybody hurts You are not alone)

guess this sums me up right now...

I'm still here...just

Its strange that no one goes on here anymore but hey.
Its even stranger reading old messages on my blogger and realising how things can change so quickly.
When i saw scarlett n Bubbles with one of my posts i felt so ashamed, guilty and disappointed in myself.
I felt ashamed cos they had an insight into my past, guilty for not telling them and disappointed that i wrote that and didnt go through with it.
I know bubbles is trying to help but i dont and cant have another guy in my life its just not possible. Not ever.
Life just seems so pointless at the moment. When i shut myself away in my room its a bit depressing realising that this is all you are and that your belongings only remind you of what has been. My room is decorated with all my special photos - mainly of Toy and Star and i know that if i took them down the pain and memories would ease but i dont want the memories to go - they've all i've got.
I know i should get help - even Jas (why does he come into everything?)told me to get help - but i don't want my Mum dragged into it and the person will probably laugh at me anyway - i mean lets face it who gets depressed over acouple of horses? Well i guess its one horse now as i've got Star near me again and i kept my promise to her (i promised her that no matter what i would come back for her and i did! At least i kept my promise to her). I didn't keep my promise to Toy though. I promised her that she could go hunting again, i promised her that she would be well again, i promised her that no matter what i would find a cure - whatever the cost. But death isnt exactly a cure is it?
People laugh at me when i tell them my dream of getting a Quantock Pony foal. Its my dream because thats where Toya is now - on the Quantocks - and it sounds stupid but there is a little bay mare with a star up there and her foal is turning out like her - they remind me so much of Toy i wonder if they are mere spirits and the foal is the foal that Toy lost all those years ago. Is it possible? Can dreams ever come true?
i love the song scarlett posted me.
I'm hanging in there im trying to keep going but the pain is deep, its like a scar that cant and wont ever heal over. I had this lovely dream where i did find the courage to let go and i was walking through a field full of daisies and i heard a familiar nicker. The Toy was running towards me, calling out and she wasnt lame, not one bit. As i flung my arms around her the jigsaw piece missing from my heart clicked into place and all the bad in my life melted away. I had no worries for i had found Toy. Then Toy knelt down and i climbed onto her back and we were galloping wild and free with no cares, no other people ruiningour lives, just us again. We then came to a bridge and we crossed it for we were whole again. The other side led to the end of the gallops on the Quantocks (where Toys buried and my ashes will be too) and the releif of being together was indescribable. We watched the world go by without us and i tried to guide my friends by making them feel my presence in the soft summer breeze and whispering my guidance through the leaves on the trees. We watched the hunt and saw laura and her mum with jess and cocs - all four blissfully happy and then we joined our hunt with the hounds of heaven. Then Toy told me to go home, back to my friends and to make my dreams happen. At first i didnt want to go but she wanted me to to show certain people that they hadnt won and got rid of me but only made me more determined in life to get my dreams. So she sent me back and the dream ended.
So do i find the energy and strength to carry on and acheive my dreams as Toy wanted or just let go and join her - for she would understand, she always does and then i can get away from everything and everyone - for i'll still stay with my friends even though they wont be able to see or hear me like they used to.
Come home to me Toy, please... I need you...
Or let me go home to you Toy, please...I need you...please...just get me out of here...