I'm still here...just

Its strange that no one goes on here anymore but hey.
Its even stranger reading old messages on my blogger and realising how things can change so quickly.
When i saw scarlett n Bubbles with one of my posts i felt so ashamed, guilty and disappointed in myself.
I felt ashamed cos they had an insight into my past, guilty for not telling them and disappointed that i wrote that and didnt go through with it.
I know bubbles is trying to help but i dont and cant have another guy in my life its just not possible. Not ever.
Life just seems so pointless at the moment. When i shut myself away in my room its a bit depressing realising that this is all you are and that your belongings only remind you of what has been. My room is decorated with all my special photos - mainly of Toy and Star and i know that if i took them down the pain and memories would ease but i dont want the memories to go - they've all i've got.
I know i should get help - even Jas (why does he come into everything?)told me to get help - but i don't want my Mum dragged into it and the person will probably laugh at me anyway - i mean lets face it who gets depressed over acouple of horses? Well i guess its one horse now as i've got Star near me again and i kept my promise to her (i promised her that no matter what i would come back for her and i did! At least i kept my promise to her). I didn't keep my promise to Toy though. I promised her that she could go hunting again, i promised her that she would be well again, i promised her that no matter what i would find a cure - whatever the cost. But death isnt exactly a cure is it?
People laugh at me when i tell them my dream of getting a Quantock Pony foal. Its my dream because thats where Toya is now - on the Quantocks - and it sounds stupid but there is a little bay mare with a star up there and her foal is turning out like her - they remind me so much of Toy i wonder if they are mere spirits and the foal is the foal that Toy lost all those years ago. Is it possible? Can dreams ever come true?
i love the song scarlett posted me.
I'm hanging in there im trying to keep going but the pain is deep, its like a scar that cant and wont ever heal over. I had this lovely dream where i did find the courage to let go and i was walking through a field full of daisies and i heard a familiar nicker. The Toy was running towards me, calling out and she wasnt lame, not one bit. As i flung my arms around her the jigsaw piece missing from my heart clicked into place and all the bad in my life melted away. I had no worries for i had found Toy. Then Toy knelt down and i climbed onto her back and we were galloping wild and free with no cares, no other people ruiningour lives, just us again. We then came to a bridge and we crossed it for we were whole again. The other side led to the end of the gallops on the Quantocks (where Toys buried and my ashes will be too) and the releif of being together was indescribable. We watched the world go by without us and i tried to guide my friends by making them feel my presence in the soft summer breeze and whispering my guidance through the leaves on the trees. We watched the hunt and saw laura and her mum with jess and cocs - all four blissfully happy and then we joined our hunt with the hounds of heaven. Then Toy told me to go home, back to my friends and to make my dreams happen. At first i didnt want to go but she wanted me to to show certain people that they hadnt won and got rid of me but only made me more determined in life to get my dreams. So she sent me back and the dream ended.
So do i find the energy and strength to carry on and acheive my dreams as Toy wanted or just let go and join her - for she would understand, she always does and then i can get away from everything and everyone - for i'll still stay with my friends even though they wont be able to see or hear me like they used to.
Come home to me Toy, please... I need you...
Or let me go home to you Toy, please...I need you...please...just get me out of here...