seeking a way out
loosing Toya honestly broke my heart. I didnt give a shit about life for my life was meaningless without her. I was never any good with things like new years resoloutions but when she died the pain hurt so much that i made a promise to myself. I promised that i would never love anyone as strong again. In fact i promised myself never to love again full stop.
Yeah i know i got with a few guys but that meant nothing.
The Jas came along. I broke my promise and slowly but surely allowed myself to fall in love. It took about a month for me to trust him but after that there was no stopping us. For three years i had been grieving over Toy but when i found Jas it made her passing seem easier.
We told each other we loved one another. We made promises and talked about the future. I was happy once again, i had something to live for. We did everything together. We even went 'all the way'.
Then i went through a bad patch. My loss of Toy suddenly hit me again. A memory was stirred in my mind and i could think of nothing else but Toy. i ended it with jas because he didnt understand what i was going through, i never told him or anyone about Toya, it hurt too much. Seeking a form of comfort i got together with chris. But Jas had left his mark on me. i knew from that moment that i couldnt loose jas for good. i ended it with chris.
A few weeks later jas took me back again. he held me close and i knew that i had to tell him about toy otherwise i would loose him again. But the words just seemed to die from my lips. i tried to pull myself together. i gave him some space as i thought he would find me too clingy if i always hung around with him.
I went to dorset. I got a text through sayin we were growing apart, he wanted to be on his own for a bit.
at first the tears fell and i screamed my pain again and again. i wanted to end it there and then. to escape and then i could be with Toy. i thought about cutting my wrists and then i thought about taking an overdose on friday night at the young farmers ball with the alcohol, then that would numb the pain if i took it with alcohol. If i end it there i also get to say goodbye to my friends all of them apart from chris. He's on holiday but hopefully he will understand.
i tried to cope on my own with toys death and just about managed. now having to cope with toys death and loosing jas im at a loss.
lets just hope on friday night i can free my pain and let my body go.
lets just hope...
posted by Dory @ 31.5.05
1 Comments:
I'm sorry meg, but I was worried about you.
I was in tears when i read that, and so many things made sense 2 me. I 4ght it only fair laura saw it, and we 4ght if we confronted u with it, u'd open up 2 us. we only want 2 help. ok, tell us 2 piss off, but we are worried about you. and it hurts us to think that you've drifted from us and cnt tlk 2 us.
but newayz, i dnt think u check this v. often.
here's a little sumthing 4 u :
When your day is long
And the night
The night is yours alone
When you're sure you've had enough of this life
Well hang on
Don't let yourself go
Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts
Sometimes
Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it's time to sing along
(When your day is night alone)
Hold on, hold on
(If you feel like letting go)
Hold on
If you think you've had too much of this life
Well hang on
Cause everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts
Don't throw your hand
Oh, no
Don't throw your hand
When you feel like you're alone
No, no, no, you're not alone
If you're on your own
In this life
The days and nights are long
When you think you've had too much
Of this life
To hang on
Well, everybody hurts
Sometimes, everybody cries
And everybody hurts
Sometimes
And everybody hurts
Sometimes
So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on
(Everybody hurts
You are not alone)
Just please let us know how you are ...
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