My Letter to My Angel

hey girl,
i could really do with having you here once more.
i dream of you in the stillness of the night,
your body is the wind holding me tight,
Calling out softly calling my name,
its your voice i hear, again and again
My heart is full, yet empty too,
because the one thing i want and can't have,
is you...

Inside my sleeve, I pull out my heart,handing it to you, "careful it's fragile,and easily falls apart."Extending your arms, you take the heart inyour tender warm hands.It falls into a million shattered pieces - onthe floor it lands.You begin to bend down to pick it up, sorrow andsadness in your eyes.Apologies are not enough.Looking at you with tears in my eyes,I ask you not to pick up the pieces of a heartthat has fallen apart.I am the one who needs to pick up the pieces ofmy shattered heart - one by one, piece by piece.I need to put it together again, some how. some way.Each piece of my heart has a memory so true.Each piece of my heart has part of you.You are the one who is leaving to start a new lease on life.I'll just be here on my knees picking up the pieces of aheart that feels like it's being pierced with a knife.All my tears won't keep you nearAll my tears won't mend what's not here.Again I look at you with a whisper in my voice,The only way my heart will mend and finally be complete,is if you and I can come together without being discreet.You see, what we have here and today, helps me face theworld, with a love for you that gives a glow -but now, my darling, you made a choice.My heart is on this floor, shattered and broke.With each piece I pick up -I need to learn to let go.
it happened to me girl. ive lost him like i lost you and once again there is no going back. He was so perfect and i thought i'd finally got something stable in my life but it didnt last long. He makes me laugh and we finish off each others sentences. Being in his arms is like burying me head in your mane, i felt safe. But now your both gone and i'm left with nothing.

Jas still hurts me Toy, i wrote this the other day, its how i feel about him:
As we lay there quietI was reminded of all the reasons why I lust youYour smile,and the way it teased at me seductivelyYour laugh,and the way it tempted meYour eyes,and the way they seem to hypnotize me

As we sat there silentI was reminded of all the reasons why I love youYour smile,and the way it brings such life into meYour laugh,and the way it makes everything okayYour eyes,and the way them seems to read my thoughts

As we stand here nowI am reminded of all the reasons why I hate youYour smile,and the way it confuses meYour laugh,and the way it seems to mock meYour eyes,and the way they can look into mine and not feel a thing

why cant i go home toy? please, ive had enough.
Rain always hides these tears in my eyesThunder laughs and my soul diesWill I hear your voiceWill I touch your skinWill the ocean waves let me inThe time is near, the time is nighTo answer the call, to answer the cryMy head still spins, my body achesCold wind stings my eyes, my faceLook around, no one thereWill anybody notice, anyone care . . .Will I hear you laughWill I see you cryWill this world just end and let me die

I am so tired. Everday i get so run down that i just need to sleep forever and ever:
God looked down on your body,So tired from hanging on,From a life that was overwhelming you,And wanted back His girl.So he took away the air you breathe,And gave you what was best,A place to be at peace,A final place to rest.
if only he would. i guess he just keeps missing me...

Why does the thought of deathThe feeling of ending this lifeThe torture, the pain, the hurtThe discomfort I cause,Why does it feel so right?But the thought of the painThe mechanics, the methodThe hows and wherefores..Why is that so beyond me,my abilities, My confidence?I know I would be better deadAll I care for is othersAll I do is hurt othersAll I want to do is leave othersTo their lives away from meIs my inability from caring?Knowing the final act of hurtThe final ability to screw othersTo give those who truly careA pain even I haven't done before?But they would recoverAnd they could see it was doneMaybe not consciously, but trulyFor the best for themAnd therefore the best for me.Is it fear that stops me?The inability to take the painI couldn't inflict on myselfThe yellow man I am,The quitter, never finishing the JobSo I carry on to conceal the feelingsTrying to do all I can for allAnd still I hurt and give painCause confusion wherever I goThat is why I pray to die.

All i want is to go home.
Every night in my dreams i can see you, hear you - even touch you. But then every morning i make the fatal mistake of waking up and i'm back in a world of tears, anger and pain. I pray every night to go home to you, I pray that i won't wake up the next day, i go to sleep hoping my prayers will be answered, but everyday i wake.
I always swore that nothing would ever break my spirit and i'd always stay a fighter and stay strong, like the wild mustang - the symbol of my dreams. But just like me, everyday they have their spirits broken, the fight in them beaten out of them, the strong fire in their eyes burnt out, but more importantly to them, and to me, they have their freedom stolen from them. They now have nothing but to become an empty shell, a walking body without a spirit, driven by a mind that now knows only of rear and of what was, kept going by a heart that used to be the centre of their energy and spirit and that knew nothing of pain, fear, sadness, betrayl or resentment but now so full of it, it flows through every vein and artery in their abused bodies. I know this, because i am like them.
I understand the fear and the fury in a trapped Mustang, for man himself put it there, and put it in mine.
No horse should ever be broken and certainly never should the Mustang. Born with that freedom, the Mustang has the right to live with that freedom and die knowing nothing of its freedom.
If only a few of us can take the time to whisper strength and courage into those sensitive ears and gently soothe troubled souls we can show them that someone does care, someone knows of the fear, someone knows also of the pain. Then even if it is for the last few minutes of their lives, they go with the knowledge that they are not alone.
A proud, strong stallion, should never be defeated. A loving mare should never be shown hatred. A young foal should only do what it was born to do - run wild and run free. A young girl should never have her dreams stolen from her by those who do nothing but take.
But time comes and time goes, nothing left but memories. Memories bring us to the past, dreams bring us to the future, Nothing will bring us eternity.

So please can i go home? I've tried over the last few weeks i really have but i have no mental or physical strength left to go on. So maybe next time He is looking for a tired soul to bring back home, maybe you could just point me out to Him and make sure He doesn't miss me this time round?...